Ups & Downs

The month of Febuary will go down as one of the best months of my life & so far, March will go down as one of the worst of my life.

It was the beginning of Febuary that I found out that I was pregnant. Nothing was more exciting than seeing those 2 pink lines appear on that pregancy test after trying for almost 2 years! After telling Shane, I think he was a bit stunned at first but soon became used to the idea that he was going to be a father & he began to get really excited. After a doctors appt confirmed the news & all my labwork came back normal we decided to share with our family & close friends our happy news! I can't tell you how excited we were to be experiencing all of this for the first time!

It started out as a normal pregnancy. I was having the usual symptoms of early morning nausea, being extremely tired & my boobs hurt something awful! At 6 weeks, I was having some left-sided pain & slight cramping so my doctor wanted to do an early sonogram to make sure this wasn't an ectopic pregnancy. So last Friday, Shane & I got to experience seeing & hearing the heartbeat of what was to be our baby. We also got a few pictures to take home for our scrapbook. It made being pregnant seem so real at that moment & I couldn't help but get teary eyed. They found a cyst on my left ovary which was more than likely the culprit of my pain & was told it was nothing to worry about. Everything looked & appearred normal on the sonogram and we went about our day as two very happy parents-2-be!

Sunday marked my 7th week of pregnancy. We went to church that morning & headed home to let the dogs out & grab my grocery list that I had forgotten. I went to the bathroom before we left & noticed bright red blood. I instantly went into "panic mode" as I knew from the books that I had read that this wasn't normal. I went down to tell Shane & we went straight to Olathe Medical Center ER. They ended up doing another ultrasound & that is when we got the devastating news - there was no fetal heartbeat. At that moment, our world was crushed. I could not control the tears & Shane just grabbed my hand & we sat there in silence for what seemed like forever as the ultrasound tech made her measurements. Deep down we both new the instant the image came up on the screen. There was no fast flicker in the little gray blob like there was on Friday & we couldn't hear anything. We went home & the rest of the day was pretty much a blur. We called our family & told them the news & just spent the rest of the day grieving.

Monday morning, I called my Dr & explained what had happened on Sunday & they got me in that afternoon. Dr. Martin went over our options with us - we could wait & let the miscarriage happen naturally which could take up to 3 weeks or we could schedule a D&C and take care of everything surgically. The thought of sitting around for weeks waiting for this miscarriage to happen was horrific to me so we opted for the D&C - as horrific as that sounded also. It was scheduled for first thing the next morning (Tuesday) & as weird as it sounds, I was SO relieved.

Tuesday morning we made it to the OP Surgery Center at 6am. Dr. Martin was kind enough to squeeze me into his busy schedule as first case of the morning. There was no other patients there so it was kind of nice, quiet & somewhat calming - if you can understand that!?! The nurse started my IV, asked me all kinds of questions & I signed all kinds of paperwork. At 7am Dr. Martin showed up & 5 minutes later I was being wheeled into the OR. I slid onto the surgery table, they hooked me up to their equipment & told me I would be getting sleepy...that was the last thing I remember. I woke up 45 minutes later in recovery & was leaving the surgery center at 9am. I was surprised at how it was over & done with so quickly! One minute I was pregnant and the next minute I wasn't! On the way home I think all the emotions & hormones hit me like a ton of bricks - I was no longer going to have a baby :(

I spent the rest of my day in bed, high on great pain meds, the furry kidz by my side & the best husband I could ask for catering to my every need! Throughout the day I received so many text messages, voicemails, & emails from family & friends. We both want to thank everyone from the bottom of our heart for their support & for being such a great friend! It means the world to us to know we have such a wonderful family & such a great group of friends in our lives. I want to take a minute to thank my mom & dad for sending such a beautiful bouquet of fresh flowers - they smell oh so good - and to Kitty, Susan & Shawn for the lovely bouquet of daisies that we received. Thank you also to Melissa for bringing over my favorite cookies and milk - that was SO sweet of you! Everyone has made us feel so loved by their friendship, kindness and generosity!

Today is Wednesday. It is the first day I am up & about & I am feeling pretty good. I am on the road to recovering both mentally & physically. The Dr said that sometimes writing about your experience with miscarriage & sharing your story will sometimes help with the healing process so that is why I decided to blog about it. It also helps to explain it to people through writing so I won't have to explain it over & over in person when people ask. I think that will be the toughest part - when I go back to work next week & naturally people will ask how I am doing, if I'm ok, etc. I can hardly wait to hear what comes out of peoples mouths - they can be so rude sometimes & not even realize it. I just hope I can hold it together. Oh well, just another step in the healing process.

Today I am getting out of the house & having some "Heather-Time". I have a Pedicure at 3pm & a haircut at 4pm so nothing like getting a little pampering done when you are feeling down & out! I am off work the rest of the week so I'm going to take this time to go to a movie or two, get some spring cleaning done around the house, meet some girlfriends out for drinks on Friday night & just continue to work through this. For those of you wondering, I will be ok - it will just take some time. I look forward to getting my body back on track & in a couple of months, possibly starting this entire journey all over again. Please keep us in your prayers...Love to you all!