1 month old

Today Mason is 1 month old! Seriously - how is that possible? I guess when you are elbows deep in feedings, diaper changes, sleepless nights, days full of naps, catching up on housework while baby sleeps, paying bills, washing bottles & trying to eat 3 meals a day will make the time fly!? lol

After Mason's bath this morning, I went to put on one of his cute little newborn sleepers & his feet were busting out at the seams :( I grabbed this sleeper & same thing:

Since I knew this would be the last time he would have this little outfit on I made sure to get a picture. Ugh - this made me so sad! As much as I can't wait for little man to get into a more "fun" stage, it makes me sad that he is growing so darn fast. I reached for one of his 3 mos sleepers which looked way big & to my surprise it fit him pretty well with just a bit of room to grow! Looks like it will soon be time to fold up all his "newborn" clothes & put them away :( 

We got in to see his Pediatrician this morning & he agrees with us that Mason has reflux. After weighing him it was also determined that I am more than likely over-feeding him which only makes the reflux & spitting up worse. Epic fail #1 for this mother!  

Mason weighed in at 10 lbs even & the Dr. was fine with that, but compared to what he weighed 2 weeks ago I guess he is gaining weight too quick for his liking. I have been breast-feeding the majority of the time but will supplement with formula when he acts like he is still hungry - which seems to be all the time. I have also been feeding him when he is fussy - which has been ALOT - because the boobies are what consoles him & this mama has been desperate!

So after much discussion, I am to try & space out his feedings to 2 1/2 hours to give his tummy a bit more time to empty before the next feeding & he was also prescribed Zantac to help with the reflux. I am hoping to have a much more content baby in the next few days!?

Happy 1 month birthday little man! We are looking so forward to seeing how much you change next month!

3rd week = ROUGH

People have called, texted, emailed & stopped in all asking me how I have been doing these past few weeks & I have so appreciated everyone's concern. The first couple of weeks weren't too bad as we were all slowly getting into a routine trying to figure things out & basically survive. But this 3rd week.....I ain't gonna lie, it has been a rough one.

I think the reality of life with a newborn has finally set in. My hubby went back to work, my mom went back home to SD & I was left to take care of Mason the majority of the time by myself. To top it all off he became super fussy right at the 3 week mark after everybody left & it eventually broke me. 

I was exhausted to begin with & there was one night around 2am that I was up with him for over 3 hours & no matter what I did, he would not stop fussing. He wouldn't sleep, he didn't want to eat, his diaper was clean but still he was not content. I finally broke down & sobbed while holding him in my arms begging God to please just let this child fall asleep. 

No matter what I did, I couldn't do anything to console my child & I felt like a failure. I felt like I couldn't do this anymore. I felt like I didn't want to do this anymore. For a few hours there I wanted my old life back...before Mason. And then I felt absolutely horrible for even thinking that - especially after all we have been through to have a child. I then pleaded with God to please forgive me for even thinking that.

Mason finally managed to fall asleep around 5:30am that morning & I pulled myself together, got a couple hours of sleep & managed to get through another day. Needless to say, we haven't had anymore nights like that one which I am SO very thankful for but my little guy still continues to be super fussy. 

After referring to Dr. Google & my other "go-to" resource - my sister - we have determined that Mason is suffering from either colic or reflux. All signs & symptoms point to reflux & after a few more miserable, inconsolable evenings this past week, it is time to call the Pediatrician. Will keep you posted on what we find out.

The day after my rough night, I ironically stumbled across this blog & this post. It is pretty spot on as to how every new mother feels in the beginning - especially for me & I feel like I could have written it word for word. It says everything a new mother has ever wanted to say or feel but was ashamed to & it is too good not to pass along. So enjoy:

So I was hanging out the other day with a friend who has a newborn. A freaking gorgeous newborn boy, to be exact.

He is her first baby. She has recently become a mother.

You know, when we hear those words we hear them like it’s no big deal – “become a mother,” like you might “become a doctor” or “become a pet owner.” As if it’s just this thing that happens, without anything else happening – it’s just this exciting addition to one’s life. You add this new thing and go about your business.

Like a new-home owner, or a resident of a new town.

“A mother.”

But this particular transition comes with a cost. A BIG ONE, yet nobody really talks about it.

And if you do talk about it, you have “postpartum depression.”

I have an idea: let’s talk about it, right here and right now, and call it nothing other than a human, adult reaction to a giant shift in identity, a presence of mind recognizing the end of an entire chapter of life, a heart mourning the woman that once was, and a soul shaking under the weight of a new giant world.

I’ve talked about it a little before, and in my case I actually DID have postpartum depression, and obviously I’m not trying to say that having these feelings does not indicate PPD (um DUH). What I’m saying is that it seems to me that every woman who becomes a mother, no matter how much she loves her kid or wants to be a mom, will most likely, at some point, mourn the loss of her previous identity.

And it will hurt.

You’re sitting in the house a few weeks after your perfect baby is born. Everybody has gone home. 

The help is gone. Your husband (or wife) is back at work.

Your belly is still sagging. Your boobs are exploding. You’re bleeding still, maybe, but you’re definitely leaking milk. There are big pools of it on your bed and couch and everywhere. You don’t really sleep, but rather fade in and out of a half-sleep, alongside your baby, checking him every hour, acutely aware of his breath, as if it were a freight train roaring through the room: do I hear it? Yes, I hear it.

Breathe.

His temperature, his blanket. He stirs and you’re there, boom. Awake. You are infinitely connected. You seem to be melting into this tiny body. He wakes and you stare into his eyes, struck and dumbfounded at his beauty. You coo at him and notice the way he moves his mouth, as if he wants to speak. What will he say?

Someday he will speak. And you know you know him better than everybody else, and always will, and you know when he’s sleeping you’re there when nobody else is there, and you’re watching him breathe so you can breathe and watching him sleep to drift into your own.

And you’re falling into a love you’ve never known. It’s like quicksand; the more you struggle the deeper you fall. Only you’re not struggling, because it’s a gorgeous catastrophe, and there’s nowhere else to go.

But you watch people leave, too. You watch your husband go to work. You see friends come and go, bright and capable with energy and direction, as if the world is still going on outside, out there.

And you’re isolated and stuck.

As you watch them there are moments, moments when you remember when you used to run around and visit people and live your life and work and be alone. You remember when your body was just your own and you were thinner and felt contained and like the owner of your boobs and vagina and life. You remember having a couple shots of tequila or maybe a cigarette with some friends, and you did it like it was nothing, never knowing it was somebody who was going to stand like an old friend some day, a thousand miles away.

You were twenty, twenty-three, thirty, thirty-five. You were free and young and somebody else.

We were free and young and somebody else.

But now, we’re mothers.

At some point the reality will hit us: We are never alone again, no matter where we are, and we are the only ones in the world who have become this person toward this child.

Yeah, that’s right. I said it. NOT EVEN THE DAD.

It’s hard to put into words, but something becomes very apparent when a baby enters a relationship: there is something different between my relationship with this baby, and everybody else in the world.
I am the only one who is The Mother to this child twenty-four hours a day, and will be for the rest of my life.

I’m not trying to speak for everybody. Obviously. I’m speaking for myself, and for my friends, who 
I’ve seen living the same beautiful catastrophe.

My husband went back to work relatively soon after the baby was born. So his life, though obviously irrevocably changed, goes on in more or less the same way it was before. My husband’s sleep patterns haven’t changed. My husband’s body isn’t suddenly owned by a 9-pound nursing machine. My husband’s vagina isn’t...well, let’s change the subject. My husband doesn’t have stretch marks. My husband didn’t give birth.

My husband doesn’t spend hours eye-locked with the newborn, cooing and talking with infinite fascination with a ball of chub. My husband doesn’t pick at the baby’s head and eyes and ears like an attentive monkey.

My husband didn’t become a mother, but I did.

And there are moments when I know it. There are moments when I look at that baby and myself and feel my body that isn’t my body and wonder if maybe I didn’t make the biggest mistake of my life, because what have I given up? What have I done? Was I ready?

Why didn’t I appreciate my life more, when it was mine? What if I want to leave one day? I’ll never be able to leave one day, ever.

I’ve been the same woman my whole life. What about her? Where is she? Is she just dead?

Yes, she is just dead.

Does that seem harsh? Well, it is. So is motherhood.

Perhaps we can soften this whole thing by saying our identities are “transformed,” or we are “forever changed,” but the fact of the matter is that the woman you once were is gone, and she will never come back.

Period.

You can pretend she’s not dead. You can even leave your family and act like a kid again and not a mother. But you will not be free, and you will die under the weight of your lies, because you know you’re something else, and there’s a little girl out there who misses her mama, and has replaced her with a box full of notes and cards and memories and yearning.

I’m speaking from experience.

I will never live a single day as an individual. Always, somewhere, my heart will be beating for that child. Always, somewhere, though I may not even know it, my mind has wrapped itself around her, wondering how she is, seeing a shirt or dog or book, “She would love that.” I miss her.

One thousand miles away, but tied.

And so she’s gone, that woman. Old friend who partied with you and spent hours absorbed in herself, her work. She’s gone, that girl that lived for herself, and maybe you for a moment, but always, in the end, for herself.

And yet, I’m still here. This is still me. I am untouched, unscathed. So maybe I have not died?

If I died, how am I here, nursing and changing and mothering this baby? Who’s doing this work now?

And who is she?

I don’t know her yet, but I will. I’ll know the woman who wraps her baby against her chest and storms the world. I’ll know the woman who goes back to work with one foot and her heart at home, always. I’ll meet the woman who races to preschool to get there on time and holds little hands and chases kids in restaurants. I’ll meet the woman who disciplines. I’ll meet the woman who yells. I’ll meet the woman who works to be better, who holds a child as it grows and grows and grows and I’ll meet the woman who does it a couple more times, until she’s the one sitting by a friend and a newborn, telling her it’s alright, talking about death, and rebirth.

OF A MOTHER.

Thinking my god, I guess I’ve known her all along.

A Week of "Firsts"

Mason's 2nd week of life has been full of many "firsts" & we made sure to take lots of pictures to capture all these first-time moments!

Mason met his Grandma (my mother) for the first time as she came to visit us for the week. They enjoyed lots of snuggle-time & Grandma spoiled little man by buying several new outfits to add to his wardrobe while she was here. We were both sad to see her head back to South Dakota but are hoping she & Grandpa head back this way in the spring.

With the flu & colds running rampant around the area, we had several friends/family who were sick or had been exposed to others that were sick the week that Mason was born & were unfortunately unable to visit us. Once they all got a clean bill of health, they made sure to make there way over to meet the little guy. 

Our 1st visitor was my dear friend Jenn who is also pregnant with her first child. She is having a little girl named Ava & is due early April. I have SO enjoyed being pregnant at the same time as her & having a "buddy" to share the ups & downs of pregnancy with. I can't wait until her little girl is here & for her to experience this wonderful thing called motherhood! We are excited to have many play-dates in the future & we both think that her little girl & Mason are going to be boyfriend/girlfriend when they get older ;)  

Shane's brother was another victim of the flu during Mason's birth so he unfortunately had to wait over a week & 1/2 to meet his nephew! He is a very proud uncle of his one & only nephew & took many pics to share with friends & family:

Of all my "game-night" girls, my friend Melissa was the only one out of the group who hadn't met Mason yet. She too had a bad cold last week & waited until she was back to good health before she came & met our little man. It was so nice getting to see her & be able to catch up - just the two of us for a change! 

Mason's umbilical cord fell off on day 13 so for the first time, he was now able to take a real bath - which you can tell by the picture that he clearly hated every minute of it:

My dear friend Autumn was exactly one week ahead of me with her pregnancy & she ended up delivering sweet baby girl Isabella 2 days after I had Mason. It was so awesome getting to share this pregnancy journey together & now we get to share the journey of "mommy-hood" together!

This past week Autumn invited Mason & I over to her house to meet her precious little girl. It was Mason's first "play-date" with Isabella & even though he pretty much slept through it, I'm pretty sure the 2 minutes he was awake it was love at first sight ;) I think Jenn's little girl Ava may have some competition in the future!? We are looking very forward to many more "dates" with Isabella & her beautiful mommy Autumn!

Mason celebrated his very first Valentine's Day & got in the spirit by wearing a cute little outfit given to him by his Uncle Steve & Aunt Meghan. He truly is a little "heart breaker" ;)

We assembled Mason's Rainforest activity mat last week & here is a pic of him on it for the first time. He loved watching all the animals hanging from the bars, listening to the music & watching all the colorful lights (which aren't seen in this pic):

I can hardly believe my little guy will be 3 weeks old on Monday! Seriously, where has the time gone?? We are looking SO forward to many more "firsts" in the upcoming year & being able to share them with you all!

Mason's 1st Week

Mason's 1st week home has been a bit of a whirl-wind! I have somehow lost track of what day it is or even what the date is so please forgive me for the lack of posts! I know you have all been dying to see pics of Mason & hear how a "Day in the Life of HT" has been with a newborn. Well, as tired as we are, I must say this little guy is awesome, has captured our hearts & we are so in love! 

Last Wednesday was our first night home with him & I'm not going to lie, it was a bit rough as we had no idea what we were doing with this little guy! But we survived the night & woke up the next morning thankful to have gotten through it. I literally now know what the phrase "sleeping with one eye open" means!! I am happy to say though that the nights have gotten easier, we are establishing a routine & things are going really well! (knock on wood)

On Thursday, his 2nd day home, we had our 1st appointment with the Pediatrician to do a weight check & see how he was doing overall. Here he is all ready for his first outing:

 

He had a good appointment but was found to be a little underweight & jaundice so we talked about supplementing formula in between breast feeding & was sent home with UV light therapy to bring his Bilirubin levels down. We returned to the Ped's office on Friday & his Bili levels weren't going up any higher but weren't coming down either so unfortunately we had to keep him on the light therapy through the weekend. We returned once again to the Ped's office Monday, Feb 4th & his Bili levels came way down & his coloring was much better so we were finally able to get rid of the lights! 

Here is a blurry pic of me & my little "glo-worm" catching some ZZZZ's: 

And Mason with his Daddy - zzzzzzzz:

And another couple cute pic's of our little man:

 

Needless to say, the first week around here has been all about getting lots of sleep - for everyone!!

In the first week, Mason also got his first sponge bath! (Never-mind his Mama looking like a "hot-mess"):

We also have been getting in lots of snuggle-time:

Life with a newborn is a huge adjustment, definitely overwhelming & very tiring but this Mama wouldn't change it for anything! I find myself staring at this precious miracle all the time, thanking God for our blessings & I can hardly believe that this is our life now.