Thankful

This Thanksgiving was quite different than last year. If you recall, last year I had a little "turkey in the oven", was 31 weeks pregnant & looked like this: 

Now that little "turkey" is 10 months old:

My how time flies! We have so much to be thankful for this year & this holiday truly makes us take a step back & count our blessings. 

The day was spent together as a family & as usual I cooked the huge Thanksgiving meal. Shane's brother ended up coming over & we all enjoyed the day stuffing our bellies with the usual fixings, pecan pie & pumpkin cheesecake for dessert & plenty of football watching. 

Mason had his first taste of turkey, mashed potatoes & sweet potatoes which he loved. He also was given cheesecake for the first time & kept wanting more. That boy likes his food :)

It was a relaxing, enjoyable day & we are all looking forward to the rest of the upcoming holidays.

Hope you all were able to enjoy the blessings of the day with your families!

10 months old

Mason you are 10 months old! We are now in double digits - how can that possibly be? Gone are the days of having a sweet little baby laying around flashing toothless smiles, kicking those little legs, & flailing those cute chubby arms. Now our reality is a very active little boy who is all over the place, never sits still, has a mouth full of teeth, those little legs are learning to stand & walk & those arms are busy playing with all your toys, pulling yourself up onto anything & everything & shoving food into your mouth. 

Weight: After a recent visit to the Ped's office for your flu shot, you weighed in at a 24 lbs. While lugging you all around, this Mama can sure feel every pound! I think I will be glad when you are able to walk - or maybe not?! Since you are getting so big we upgraded your carseat to a rear-facing convertible carseat as you outgrew your other one & you always fight us when we put you into it - stinker! You continue to wear a size 3 diaper & are wearing all 12 month clothing now. I packed up all your 9 month clothes last week & like every other time, it brought tears to my eyes. You are growing at lightening speed & it just isn't fair :(

Sleeping: We continue to struggle in this area. We did the CIO method which worked well & you were sleeping through the night for about a week. Then you got a cold, were cutting 2 teeth & I think going through a growth spurt all in the same week so your sleep progress went out the window. You were waking up 2-4 times at night being fussy, wanting an extra bottle & was quite restless when you were asleep. 

After fighting this for several nights I caved & put you in the bed with us. Of course in the bed you sleep like an angel from 730pm-3am, wake for a bottle & then back to sleep until 6:30am. If you do the math that is 7.5 hours of sleep. Now I know this is considered "sleeping through the night" but I just wish you would do it in your crib & not in our bed. I have tried to put you in your crib but you will usually wake up at 9:30pm, 11:30pm, 2am & 4am. Working full-time this Mama does not have time or the energy to be getting up 4 x's a night during the week & with your daddy traveling 2 of those nights either does he. SO in our bed you go & in our bed you remain & everyone gets a good nights sleep.

Eating: You are quite the little eater! You don't care much for baby food anymore nor do you like your mommy or daddy to feed you. You are very independent & want to feed yourself - which is fine by us but boy do you make a mess!

 

You do awesome at picking up food & feeding yourself & it is so fun to watch. You still love applesauce, LOVE cheese, Cheerios, & are really enjoying eating waffles/pancakes, chicken, pork, hot dogs green beans & carrots - and last week your daddy told me you really like cookies. Hmmm - don't remember giving you any cookies?! Just when we think you are done you sign "more" & shovel more in. It has been really fun trying new foods with you & you definitely let us know what you don't like.

Milestones:
- You have started to show signs of shyness around strangers & a few weeks ago started wanting to be close to no-one other than Mama at all times. You would withdrawal from Daddy which kind of hurt his feelings but I promised him it was just a phase you were going through. After a couple of weeks, Daddy was once again your buddy but you continue to always keep a close eye on where your Mama is! You are definitely a "Mama's Boy" & I secretly love it!

- You said your first word & of course it was "DaDa"! Your Daddy was SO proud! We have been working on "MaMa" for a couple of months now but you chose to say DaDa. I guess you are saving the best for last :)

- Your two front teeth started poking through the gums earlier in the month & you were a little grizzly bear before that happened. You must have been really hurting as you were SO fussy! Motrin was our friend for several days during that week! Now that they are both through you like to grind your bottom teeth with your top teeth. It is the most annoying sound ever & from what I have read on Dr. Google is totally normal for someone your age & will create no harm to your teeth - which I am worried about. They say you will outgrow this bad habit & honestly I can't wait.

- Another phase you have begun is the "hitting" phase. You think it is funny to slap your Mama in the face, or your Daddy in the chest or even the kids at daycare & no matter how many times we say "no hit" or grab those little hands & say "no" or "stop" you laugh & giggle hysterically. This is yet another phase I will be glad when it passes.

- If I had to guess, I would say you will be walking before your birthday. You push things & will walk behind them across the floor in record time & you are also standing all by yourself for several seconds - until you realize you aren't holding onto anything & will get scared & fall down. 

- You gave Mama her first kiss ever & my heart melted. You will lean in with your mouth wide open & plant a wet, slobbery kiss right on my lips or on my cheek. Even cuter you started doing it to daddy too! You also will give hugs when asked - double melt!!

- We have discovered that you are not at all patient & you show frustration real easily. You will throw a tantrum if something doesn't go your way or you get stuck or we won't let you do something. I had no idea that temper tantrums start this early - God help us for when we hit those "terrible two's".

- You learned to crawl up the steps & LOVE to do this over & over. We just have to work on now getting down those steps safely. You know no fear!

Every week you do something or learn something new. Every month there is always so much more to share. We are looking so forward to what these next couple months bring before you turn 1 year old! 

Happy 10 months little man!

P!NK concert

Last week I let the boys (my hubby & Mase) fend for themselves for an evening & had me a much needed & much deserved girls night out. 

The artist Pink was in town & we have been waiting to go to this concert since back in March when the tickets were purchased. The "game-night" girls & I decided to meet downtown at the Marriot where we had reserved a room & we had our own "pre-concert" cocktails & snacks. It was so nice to see them all & catch up as we haven't all been together in quite some time.

After a few drinks & stuffing our tummies full of chips, dip & pizza we walked over to the Sprint Center & took some pre-concert pics before we settled into our seats:

I truly was not prepared to enjoy this concert as much as I did. Going into it I didn't think I knew very many songs of hers but it turns out I knew every single one. Especially from her very 1st album - talk about a blast from the past!  Before her concert I wouldn't have considered myself a huge P!nk fan but after this show, I would definitely say I am now a FAN!

The acrobatics in her show were awesome & to think she did that while singing her heart out, hanging from sheets or flying across the entire stadium (a lot of which was upside down mind you) was pretty amazing!

And after discussing it, the whole group agreed that we all want her abs:

This after having a baby 3 years ago?! Wowsers - this Mama definitely has some work to do ;)

The show ended with P!nk strapped to this crazy contraption & flying through the air above the crowd while singing & never missing a beat:

It was a fun evening shared with some of my favorite girls & a much needed break for this mommy!


As always, a big thanks to Melissa for always having the camera & camera stick ready & for sharing her pics! Love this girl!!

Being A Mommy After IF

The other day I was at work when one of my new coworkers suggested how we should be trying for baby #2 since I was probably a "fertile Myrtle" now after having one. First of all - RUDE. Second of all, I would have probably laughed if I wasn't so completely caught off guard. I began to wonder if this was how people see me now? The 41 year old mom in a race to have baby #2 before my eggs are completely turned to dust & my uterus full of cobwebs??

I guess what this person didn’t know was that we had spent the last 6 years trying to conceive our first child. Month after month there were questions, tears, numerous blood draws, months of hormone injections, IUI's, IVF, too many ultrasounds to count, several devastating miscarriages which was followed by more blood work, more injections, another round of IVF, several frozen embryo transfers & then another chemical pregnancy - which turns out is a much nicer way of saying early miscarriage.

I thought having a baby & being a mommy would take away all that pain & heartbreak we suffered through the past 6 years. But when I consider the thought of "trying" for another child all those feelings that have been hidden & buried creep up to the surface. There are things that no one tells you about being a mommy & life after infertility so I am here to share with you a few things I’ve learned:

1. You don’t really ever get over it.

I thought having Mason would somehow magically erase the sadness, jealousy, bitterness & hurt that comes with struggling with infertility. Don't get me wrong, having Mase has certainly eased a lot of that heartache but there are still those moments when the pain in my gut & my heart return upon hearing women say how easy it was for them to get pregnant. I just can't help it. I am always jealous it comes so easily for some.

Infertility still haunts me from time to time - especially since there is always the possibility of baby #2 lurking around the corner. I spent my entire pregnancy extremely cautious & was always waiting for something bad to happen or for the ball to drop & it did not make for an enjoyable time. It wasn't until Mason was laid unto my tummy after just being born for it to sink in that I literally just had a baby & he was healthy & ok.

I still remain jealous of those who don't have to worry about these things, who can enjoy pregnancy completely & without any fear. Did you know I refused to name our child before he was born? There was a reason he was called "Baby T" & that we didn't share the name with anyone until he was born. It was because naming something makes it real & until I met our child, I was too scared to let him be real.

2. Sometimes you won’t feel thankful.

Being thankful for children after infertility seems like a no-brainer & it is....for the most part. It is truly a miracle to have this blessing in our lives & I thank God every single day - sometimes several times a day - for granting us this miracle. I stare at my son in awe & sometimes I may rock him for far too long after he has fallen asleep & I may give him hundred's of kisses a day & am so very thankful to have this opportunity to be a mommy....something I have dreamed about & prayed about for so many years.

But here is where HT keeps it honest & real. There are days & moments when I am absolutely NOT thankful, where I am stretched to my limit, irritated with the constant demands my job, my husband & life puts on me & some days absolutely exhausted by motherhood. Sometimes my infertile self will come back to haunt me & remind me “Hey, your the one that wanted this for so long! You prayed for this opportunity to be a mother & now you are one so deal with it!"

So when I am about to complain about something Mase did or didn't do or complain about some aspect of child rearing I find myself really watching what I say as to not look ungrateful for what we have been given. I sometimes have to try so hard to bite my tongue & instead paint a rosier picture than perhaps I should & that gets exhausting. Especially when speaking with friends who are still struggling with infertility, because I want to be considerate & show compassion for what they are still going through. I know it may be impossible for them to imagine that the demands of motherhood could be anything other than wonderful & trust me, they are & there are times where they are not.

3. There is pressure to be a perfect Mom.

Because I dealt with infertility for so long I found that my view of motherhood was skewed. I had to work really hard to let go of holding myself to impossible standards. I have let Mason become the center of my universe & I'm here to tell you that is not necessarily the healthiest place for me to be. I have since learned to let the house cleaning go, make more time for my husband, let daddy & Mase have more time together & getting out of the house & doing things for just mommy (girls night out, pedicure, shopping or going to the grocery store - alone).

That pressure to let motherhood be "all-consuming" is very strong in some parts of our society & I wanted to avoid motherhood consuming me so that is partially what drove my decision to stay working full-time. Trust me, I personally am a much better mommy working full-time than I would be not working at all & I know saying that makes me sound selfish but I know myself & how I am. Working part-time would be perfect for me & is something I would love to be able to do but financially we just can't swing it. Being at work 5 days a week & having Mason in daycare during that time is something I struggle with everyday. But knowing he is in wonderful care & in a great daycare where I know he loves going to everyday makes it so much easier to tolerate. 

I spent so many years swearing to myself that if I ever were a parent I would never work full time... along with the fact that I would never yell at my kids in public, or ignore them when they were yelling “Mama!” & I would never let them cry for any amount of time. Well I am here to tell you that I was wrong. I have let him cry & I work full time & feel guilty for it everyday. But I know that doesn't make me a horrible mother. It is absolutely impossible to be the perfect mother all of the time. But I sure try my very best to be that "perfect" mommy & that is all you can do is try...right?

4. Being a mommy will affect your friendships.

When I was going through infertility, there were times that I had to cut off contact with certain friends. The worst were my friends or co-workers who got pregnant at the same time I did & my pregnancy ended in miscarriage while they had much happier endings. There were friends whose baby showers I skipped out on because I just couldn't bear going & it was easier to skip a two-hour shower than go, put on a fake, happy face & then spend the next 12 hours in tears.

After I got pregnant, I had what I called "survivor’s guilt" towards my friends who were still in the trenches, fighting their own infertility battles. I really struggled with whether to invite these friends to my baby shower & I felt so guilty that I was even having a shower at all. Having been on the other side of that equation, I knew just how they were feeling which made me sad & unfortunately their reactions did affect our friendship. I regret now that I unintentionally hurt some of my friends by not going to their baby showers to keep myself from feeling sad, but in the midst of it all, I did not have that clarity of thought at the time.

But just as infertility caused some friendships to get much stronger & others to fall apart, motherhood has done the same. Like infertility, only other mothers know about the ups & downs of motherhood. I used to joke that I felt like moms were in a secret club that I wasn’t allowed into - turns out I was half right. It is kind of like a secret club, because (& I hate to say this) you can’t understand the difficulty of raising a child until you have been a parent. It is by far the hardest job I have ever done but the absolute most rewarding job I have ever done.

Every once in a while, I meet another mom who has been through infertility or miscarriage & it is like an instant bond. Those friends are few & far between, but they are now some of my dearest & bestest friends. And those of them who have turned into Mommies like myself there is even a greater bond & emotional tie that we will share for life.

5. You will survive infertility. 

Back in the day I thought that infertility would be the death of me. I made it through all the sad times, the heartbreak & the emotional roller coaster & managed the best I knew how & after being blessed by our miracle baby, somewhere along the way I realized that I have gotten through it. I got through some of the hardest & most difficult years of my life & came out the better for it.

Infertility shapes you - sometimes it feels like it’s for the worse, but it can be for the better. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought to myself  “How do people who’ve never struggled with infertility stay sane while raising kids?” I mean, really, it is hard to raise children & having that little pocket of extra thankfulness & patience that came only by way of having struggled to become a parent is truly a lifesaver for me.

Like infertility, parenthood has shaped me & changed me into a better version of myself. Being a Mommy has made me a much better person & having infertility has made me a better parent. So I guess in all actuality, I can say there is something good that came from having infertility?!

Operation CIO

*stepping onto my soap-box...

Hi, my name is Heather & I let my son cry so that he could learn to "self soothe" & go to sleep on his own. 

Yes people, I let him "cry-it-out." 

*GASP*

While doing my research on the subject, I have learned that letting babies "cry it out" is a VERY controversial subject. If you spend any time on parenting forums or blogs like I do, you will find that some parents feel that crying-it-out (CIO) is equal to child abuse. Some claim there is scientific evidence that CIO can cause lasting damage to a child’s brain. And some will say it is the best thing they ever did for their child & for their family. 

So what exactly does it mean to CIO you ask? I didn't know the true meaning either so that is why I did a little research on the topic. I found that the phrase has many definitions. The actual definition is "a phrase that refers to any method of training a child to sleep through the night that involves allowing a baby to cry for a given amount of time." 

Other definitions I found are: putting the baby down for bed, shutting the door, & not returning until morning, using the version of the method popularized by Richard Ferber, which involves letting the baby cry but returning to comfort him/her at gradually increasing intervals, & allowing the baby to cry but staying with him/her during this time, gradually removing that presence as the baby becomes more comfortable falling asleep on their own.

There are countless variations of “sleep training”/CIO, & all parents handle this transition differently. It is something that most parents tend to shy away from talking about it. Let's face it, no parent likes to feel judged, & personally I try not to judge the way my siblings or friends parent their kids. 

Unfortunately, I have been judged by others in my short 9 months of being a mom & I spent so much time internalizing the self-doubt of was it the right thing to do or not & then felt such fear that I was making the wrong choices for my child. I hated feeling like this so that is why I am writing about this topic with an open-hearted honesty & hope that it will help other parents out there that are feeling the same or are in the same situation.

Before I share my CIO story, let me just say that the love I have for my son is beyond words. The main goal of my every day is doing the best thing possible for him. As a full-time working mother, some days I am extremely overwhelmed by the weight of this responsibility & when someone tells me or I read that I may have harmed my child I take it very seriously.

While you are reading this, please don't judge or criticize. Remember that it is OUR situation & OUR choice to do what is right for OUR family & what may work for us. I can respect that it may not work for you or be right for you so with that said, here is my own personal story of how Mason CIO & started "sleeping through the night". 

So at Mason's 9 month appointment the Pediatrician had asked me if Mason was sleeping through the night. I was truly unsure what he meant by sleeping through the night as I have heard mixed definitions. Was it from the time I put him to bed until the time he woke up? Or a given stretch of time? 

Well, the Ped told me that he considers "STN" a solid 6-7 hour stretch of time. I didn't even need to answer him because the look on my face told him what he needed to know & that is in Mason's short little 9 months of life, he has never "slept thought the night". Not even once. 

*cue the guilt*

I take full responsibility & have had a lot of guilt over why I didn't take control of the situation sooner & establish a better sleeping pattern for him at 6 months like the Ped had told me to. Honestly, I didn't believe in CIO methods & like a lot of others I didn't want Mason to feel like I was abandoning him. I also didn't have the heart to let/hear him cry that long. I also enjoyed all the extra snuggle-time but unfortunately, I created a little monster who would wake up every 3-4 hours & expect his Mama to come in, pick him up, rock him back to sleep & repeat the whole process over again. I started to just stay up until that 11pm "wake-up" because there was no reason for me to go to bed before that. That little boy had ME trained.

After 9 months of this, I felt that my job was being affected, my relationship with my husband was being affected & I found myself getting short-tempered with Mason more & more. I realized just how tired I really was & that something was going to have to give. Mason needs & deserves a functioning mother during the day & I cannot function without sleep.

need and DESERVE a functioning mother during the day. I can NOT function without sleep - See more at: http://www.babyrabies.com/2012/01/watch-me-break-mommy-blogger-commandment-1/#sthash.r6MSCswf.dpuf

need and DESERVE a functioning mother during the day. I can NOT function without sleep - See more at: http://www.babyrabies.com/2012/01/watch-me-break-mommy-blogger-commandment-1/#sthash.r6MSCswf.dpuf

need and DESERVE a functioning mother during the day. I can NOT function without sleep - See more at: http://www.babyrabies.com/2012/01/watch-me-break-mommy-blogger-commandment-1/#sthash.r6MSCswf.dpuf

The Pediatrician told us the tougher of the two parents needed to be the one to do this & most importantly, follow through with it. Shane is a big softie & won't let Mase cry for any amount of time so I knew I was going to have to be the bad guy :(

So the next night I turned off the monitor in our bedroom & told my husband to wear some earplugs & after I put Mase to bed, Operation CIO (Cry It Out) began. 

Night #1: Put him to bed around 7:30pm. He woke up at 10:30pm crying & as instructed by my Pediatrician I walked into his room, hugged & kissed him, told him I loved him, laid him back down & walked out - while he was still crying.

I walked down the hall & proceeded to sit on the top step of our stairs & listen to him scream cry. I was paranoid he was going to get himself so worked up that he would choke or vomit or stop breathing but he never did. It was simply just crying.

Worst. Thing. Ever.

He cried for 32 minutes (yes I was counting the minutes) & it literally hurt my heart. I sat there listening to him with tears running down my face. I wanted to walk in there so many times but I just kept telling myself I am this far into it so I have to stay committed & follow through with it. 

The crying turned into wimpering & then finally he cried himself to sleep. 
After 5 minutes of silence, I checked in on him, covered him back up & went to bed myself. He ended up sleeping until 4:30am where I gave him a bottle, put him back in his crib & he slept until 7am.

Night #2: Put him to bed around 7:30pm. He woke up twice by 11pm & I was instructed not to go into his room by the Ped so I let him cry & after 10 minutes each time he soothed himself back to sleep. He slept until 3:30am where I gave him a bottle, put him back in his crib & he fell back asleep until 6:30am.

Night #3: Put him to bed around 7pm (a little earlier due to the time change). He awoke two times by 11pm & again I was to let him cry without going in his room. He cried for around 5 minutes each time & fell back asleep until 4:30am, where I gave him a bottle & he slept until 6am.

Night #4 & 5: Put him to bed around 7:30pm & didn't hear a peep from him until 4:30am! 

1st night in 9 months & 1 week that he "slept through the night" - whoop whoop!!

Night #6-7: Put him to bed around 7pm & he slept all the way to 6am without making a sound or waking for a bottle!

AMAZING! Operation CIO is a success!

I am sharing my experience with you all because I think it’s important that we as parents find a way to support each other while making those hard decisions rather than tearing each other down because you either disagree or don’t share the same feelings. Unfortunately, there will always be people who criticize, because that’s their character, but as you read this I am hoping you all won't judge me & will respect what had to be done & the way I went about making that happen.

With any situation, sometimes we need to just bite our tongue & give each other space to experiment & find the parenting method that works best for our individual families & in turn respect that we are only doing the very best that we know how to do.

*stepping off of my soap-box"