My infertility blog was created on March 30th, 2010. It was titled "Hoping, Wishing, Praying" & little did I know how or who I would impact with my entries week after week for the past 2 1/2 years.
After my last post on my IF blog this week, I received three emails from women I don't even know who have been following me & my story. Here is what they had to say:
Email #1:
I've been following your infertility blog since just about the time you found out you were pregnant with your ____. I read you're no longer posting there and focusing on your other blog.
I just want to thank you so much for sharing your story. As someone currently in the trenches and seeing little hope, your story was so encouraging to read and follow for these past few months. I am very private and envy those who are able to be so open and honest about their feelings. I wish nothing but the best for your new family.
Email #2:
Just wanted to let you know your journey these past couple of years has been inspiring & has instilled hope into our own situation. Thank you so much for sharing such a long, painful story with us over the years. I wish you all the best with the arrival of your baby ____.
Email #3:
I am sad to see you leave your IF blog as I have been a commited follower for almost 2 years now but totally understand why. Thank you for all you have shared these last 2+ years. It has really helped me while we went through our own cycles of IVF & your ending has given me hope - something I haven't had in months. Take care & I will be sure to continue following your story over at your other blog.
It brings me such joy to know that after all we went through - all the pain, the frustration, the tears, the heartbreak & finally the happiness - that my story has helped inspire others to get through what they are/were going through & give them hope which is so often hard to find when dealing with infertility.
Before I had debated whether to share the link to my IF blog & after those 3 emails this week there is no doubt in my mind to not share it with you all. Perhaps by putting it out there, it will help inform, educate, inspire or re-instill hope to someone out there who follows this blog who might be dealing with their own infertility issues. Again, if you have any questions, thoughts or comments, please feel free to email me.
Hoping, Wishing, Praying - the rantings of an infertile, sassy, domestic diva.
PS: for those of you in my family who don't want to know the gender of Baby T then I would advise you NOT to read my infertility blog :)
Friday, September 28
Monday, September 24
Half-Baked
So here we are more than 20 weeks along & I can hardly believe I have gotten to this point. Baby T is considered "half-baked" being at the half-way point with 20 more weeks (give or take) left to go. Today marks 21 weeks & I feel so very blessed to have even gotten this far.
We had our Level II ultrasound with the Perinatologist last Friday which was amazing! Baby T was wiggling all around which made the Dr struggle with getting all his measurements & after several attempts, he was able to get them all.
Everything measured right on track, the heart looked & sounded good, all arms/legs were accounted for & we even got to see if Baby T was a boy or a girl. Some of you already know what we are having but unfortunately, I won't be sharing just yet what the gender is on my blog out of respect for a few family members who read it & insist they don't want to know. Not sure how long that will last as they will all be at my shower & will surely find out then?! Anyway, the Dr said Baby T was looking perfectly healthy & was even measuring about 5 days ahead. Already an overachiever :)
Lots of people have been asking how I am doing & honestly, I am feeling really good. I can feel Baby T kicking & moving around all over the place all the time now which is such an amazing feeling. We are starting to gear up for ordering baby furniture, registering, purging items from the house to make room for baby items, pick nursery colors & thinking about names. We are so very excited but yet so very nervous all at the same time!!
Over on my infertility blog I have been posting weekly updates with a picture of my growing baby bump & as of this week, I decided to end that chapter of my life & move on. It was definitely bittersweet for me to have posted my very last entry where I have poured out my heart & soul for the last 2 1/2 years but it was time. From here on out & will be moving my updates over here. I am hoping some of my followers from my IF blog decide to move over here so they can see how the rest of this journey plays out!
So without further ado, here is my 21 week update :)
How far along? 21 weeks (baby is 10.5 inches long, weighs 14 oz & is the length of a large carrot)
Symptoms: Heartburn almost daily & I am finding myself getting winded if I do too much at once.
Weight gain/loss: + 0 lbs this week (total of 10 lbs total gained so far)
Maternity clothes? yes - all the time now for shirts
Sleep: pretty much sleeping through the night
Food cravings/aversions: been craving cheese & pasta this week like crazy
Movement? yes, Baby T is kicking & rolling around all the time now. Sometimes I feel like there is a little martial arts going on in my belly :)
Next Appointment: October 8th with my OB
Milestones: Initial fluttering movements have now turned into full-fledged kicks & nudges. Rapid eye movement (REM) sleep has begun & indicates that he is now capable of dreaming - of what I don't know since it is dark in there?! I am discovering a pattern to baby's activity - very active after I eat candy & when I lay down for bed. Baby's eyebrows & lids are now present also.
We had our Level II ultrasound with the Perinatologist last Friday which was amazing! Baby T was wiggling all around which made the Dr struggle with getting all his measurements & after several attempts, he was able to get them all.
Everything measured right on track, the heart looked & sounded good, all arms/legs were accounted for & we even got to see if Baby T was a boy or a girl. Some of you already know what we are having but unfortunately, I won't be sharing just yet what the gender is on my blog out of respect for a few family members who read it & insist they don't want to know. Not sure how long that will last as they will all be at my shower & will surely find out then?! Anyway, the Dr said Baby T was looking perfectly healthy & was even measuring about 5 days ahead. Already an overachiever :)
Lots of people have been asking how I am doing & honestly, I am feeling really good. I can feel Baby T kicking & moving around all over the place all the time now which is such an amazing feeling. We are starting to gear up for ordering baby furniture, registering, purging items from the house to make room for baby items, pick nursery colors & thinking about names. We are so very excited but yet so very nervous all at the same time!!
Over on my infertility blog I have been posting weekly updates with a picture of my growing baby bump & as of this week, I decided to end that chapter of my life & move on. It was definitely bittersweet for me to have posted my very last entry where I have poured out my heart & soul for the last 2 1/2 years but it was time. From here on out & will be moving my updates over here. I am hoping some of my followers from my IF blog decide to move over here so they can see how the rest of this journey plays out!
So without further ado, here is my 21 week update :)
How far along? 21 weeks (baby is 10.5 inches long, weighs 14 oz & is the length of a large carrot)
Symptoms: Heartburn almost daily & I am finding myself getting winded if I do too much at once.
Weight gain/loss: + 0 lbs this week (total of 10 lbs total gained so far)
Sleep: pretty much sleeping through the night
Food cravings/aversions: been craving cheese & pasta this week like crazy
Movement? yes, Baby T is kicking & rolling around all the time now. Sometimes I feel like there is a little martial arts going on in my belly :)
What I miss? hmmm - cold turkey sandwiches
Best moment(s) this week: seeing Baby T on the ultrasound & Shane getting to feel the baby kick & move for the first time this week!
What I'm looking forward to: going to Florida with my sister & her family & spending 5 days at Disney in 2 weeks
Next Appointment: October 8th with my OB
Milestones: Initial fluttering movements have now turned into full-fledged kicks & nudges. Rapid eye movement (REM) sleep has begun & indicates that he is now capable of dreaming - of what I don't know since it is dark in there?! I am discovering a pattern to baby's activity - very active after I eat candy & when I lay down for bed. Baby's eyebrows & lids are now present also.
Saturday, September 22
Epilogue - part 2
At the end of July, I was 12 weeks along & we had our 1st trimester screening ultrasound with the Perinatologist.
We first met with a genetics counselor who went over both our medical & family histories as well as what kinds of chromosomal abnormalities the tests they offer will be able to tell us. We were told that just based on my age alone, we have a 1:74 chance of having a baby with Down's & a 1:96 chance of having a baby with a Trisomy 13/18 abnormality. Not great odds :( Then we discussed what the Perinatologist will look for during the ultrasound & whether or not I was going to do the blood test that goes along with the screening.
Next was the ultrasound. The scan itself took all of 2 minutes. The Dr. looked at the baby at different angles, froze some images, measured the crown/rump length, showed us the head, face, arms & legs & printed off 3 pics for our scrapbook. She said that everything looked great & she wanted to see us back in 8 weeks for a Level II ultrasound.
Here is a pic of Baby T :) You can clearly see the head, a little arm, the body & a leg. So amazing:
Here is a pic of Baby T :) You can clearly see the head, a little arm, the body & a leg. So amazing:
As of last Nov, they have a new blood test called the MaterniT21 test which detects fetal DNA in the mother’s blood & reveals whether the fetus has the extra copy of chromosome 21 that causes Down syndrome. It is 99% accurate. It also can detect Trisomy 18 with 99% accuracy & Trisomy 13 with 91% accuracy. If the test is negative then it is pretty safe to say the baby has no chromosomal abnormalities. If the test is positive the next step is an amniocentesis just to verify 100% what the abnormality is.
I discussed it with Shane & we both agreed that if there is something wrong with the baby, we would both want to know so that we were more prepared so I went ahead & did the blood test. It took 10 very long days for the results to come back & we were thrilled to hear that both results were 99% negative. We were SO relieved!!
So far everything with this pregnancy is going perfectly. Baby seems to be healthy, I am staying healthy (low blood pressure, low weight gain, no sugar or protein detected in my urine, etc), my "all-day" sickness & fatigue have subsided, I am feeling like myself again & we couldn't be more excited!! I even have me a little "baby bump" :)
Friday, September 21
Epilogue
So you know how with every good book, there is always an epilogue after the ending of the main story?! It is usually written to provide "closure" to the story you have just read.
Well this my friends, is my epilogue....
Well this my friends, is my epilogue....
May 2012 - Those of you who follow my blog know that the 1st week of May I went on a 9 day vacation (without the hubby) to FL with 6 of my closest girlfriends & then to WI to see my sister & her family. I came back relaxed, refreshed, mentally recharged & it was just the break that I had needed. I returned emotionally ready to settle into this life of ours without children.
Fast forward 3 weeks later.
My cycle is a 29 day cycle - like clockwork. I am about as regular as you can get & I can usually predict within 24 hours when "Aunt Flo" will be making her appearance. So imagine my surprise when 29 days come & go with no period. I knew it was well on its way though because for the last 3 days I had cramps & lower back pain like I always get right before my period.
Well, 2 days later & still nothing.
It is now Sunday evening & we were having a cul-de-sac gathering with the neighbors & I was looking forward to opening a great bottle of red wine I had bought earlier in the day. But since I was "late" & since I just so happened to have one left over PG test under my sink I figured what the hell - might as well test & get it over with so I can open that red wine!
I just knew it would be negative...
I just knew it would be negative...
Um - as you can clearly see the test was not negative. What. The. Hell???
IUI's x 5 = $7300
IVF x 2 = $28,000
Acupuncture = $1365
frozen embryo transfer x 2 = $6800
Taking a random PG test after being 2 days late & seeing a positive pregnancy test with no medical intervention = priceless!!!
So upon seeing that 2nd line pop up, I did what any crazy infertile woman does. I ran out the next day & bought another box of pregnancy tests & pee'd on them for the next 3 days to see if the "line" was getting darker & holy hell, it was. I also had a bunch of leftover meds from my last FET cycle so I immediately started taking baby ASA, doing my daily Lovenox injections, one progesterone suppository at night, additional folic acid & my prescription prenatal vitamins. Just in case...
June 2012 - A couple of days later, I made an appointment with my favorite OB/GYN & was sad when the scheduler told me at the end of the year she would no longer be practicing Obstetrics but will be focusing on research instead - boo :( I went ahead & saw her anyway & she was SO happy to be seeing me for a "prenatal" visit.
At my appointment she did the usual...pelvic exam, went over all the "do's & don'ts", did a urine test & got my labs drawn. We went over all my meds & she said to stay on everything until further notice. I also mentioned that I had been having right sided ovarian pain & she immediately ordered an US to be done before I left to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. I was so relieved because in the back of my mind I was a bit worried about that & with all I have been through it would just be nice to know there was an embryo growing in the right place.
So the US showed this:
One gestational sac & yolk sac growing in the correct spot (the little black circle above the Baby "T") along with a 3mm cyst on my right ovary which was the cause of my pain.
SO THANKFUL :)
I returned the following week for another scan to check for a HB & for peace of mind. I was saying many prayers on my way to the Dr's office that we see a strong, healthy heartbeat & guess what? God answered.
There was a heartbeat - 107 bpm :)
She also pointed out something else amazing. If you look closely, you can see 2 black circles on the embryo which are the optic vessels & will later become the babies eyes. The heart is the darker white spot located right underneath. It was absolutely amazing watching a heart beat on a little blob that is only 5mm long.
July 2012 - The next visit with my OB was at 10 weeks. I was so happy to report that all was going good so far :) After a very long minute (felt like 10 min) my Dr. was able to find the heartbeat using a fetal doppler. It was loud & strong & fast & the most beautiful sound ever! Even my Dr. said she didn't expect it to be that fast but that it was a great sign that things are going well!
My morning sickness really kicked in around 9 weeks & carbs became my new best friend. As long as I would eat crackers before I got out of bed in the morning & eat every 2 hours I did pretty good but if I went past 2 hours I would start to feel really ill. I even had to take Zofran for a couple of weeks just to get through the nausea. Through all those rough weeks of
to be continued...
Thursday, September 20
Our Journey - part 2
March 2012 - After taking yet another "break" & discussing all our options in great detail, it was this month that Shane & I made the difficult decision to stop all infertility treatments, stop wasting money on ovulation test kits & pregnancy tests, stop researching our options & stop dreaming about becoming parents.
After a lengthy discussion, I told Shane I couldn't mentally deal with the emotional turmoil of another failed IVF cycle or any more losses. We both agreed that using a donor's eggs was not an option we wanted to explore & he was not comfortable adopting. So basically our only other option we could both agree on was to move forward, accept what is & live our life without children.
It was bittersweet for me to be closing this chapter in my life. I so desperately wanted to be a mother but I just couldn't go through anymore devastation, or loss. However, those last few months after our last miscarriage allowed me to heal mentally, accept what I can not change & look at the positives of living life without children & not dwell on the negatives.
Honestly, the one negative that I probably will never be able to get past is that I have this aching feeling that when I am elderly there will be no child(ren) to visit me in the hospital, or take care of me when I can no longer take care of myself. Or when I die there will be no child(ren) of my own at my funeral or who have "preceded me in death". I think that is what bothers me the most.
I blame how I feel on my profession. I see many elderly people in the hospital or having a procedure done with no children there to support them & it saddens me when there isn't anyone there for them & I think "that will be me someday" :(
Other than that, I think we are doing well with the cards that have been dealt to us. I turned 40 in August & I have always said I would be done with this infertility journey by then so I guess it was time to close this chapter of our lives & move on.
Infertility is one of the worst things a woman & a couple can go through & I find it sad that the stigma attached to infertility & living without children pressures so many women to remain silent about their struggles.
I hated that I was always in tears at the sight of a pregnant girl or a new mother pushing a stroller, fighting anger & resentment toward friends who innocently invited me to their baby showers or having to watch my sister get pregnant so easily with her 3 children, or how many times I wanted to punch people in the throat when they would say "Just relax & it will happen" or "try going on vacation...you will come back pregnant for sure" or "you & Shane better start a family soon...you sure aren't getting any younger." Ugh....infertility can make you a sad & bitter person & I refused to let it define who I was.
There are so many times that I wish we were not dealt these cards, but in the end, going through this has made me such a stronger person, it has brought me closer to my husband, it has made my marriage stronger & for that I will always be thankful.
to be continued...
Wednesday, September 19
Our Journey
For the past 6 years I’ve kept a big part of our personal life off of this blog. I’ve thought a LONG time about this post, whether I even wanted to say anything at all or what exactly I was even going to say. I have even had a rough draft of this post for several months now & have debated many times whether to click "publish" or continue to hit "save". I guess I just wasn't ready to share with you all something so personal & heartbreaking....until now.
For the last 6 years, my husband & I have struggled with infertility. It is an awful thing for couples to have to endure & unfortunately a lot of marriages don't survive after dealing with infertility. I am so thankful that Shane & I are not one of those couples. If anything I think having gone through this has made us closer & our marriage stronger & for that I am forever grateful.
I have finally decided to share our story of infertility, how we got here & all our struggles in hopes that it will help someone else who is going through the same thing or better yet, understand why we have been married for 8+ years & have no children...because I know curious minds want to know!!
So, here is our story:
For the last 6 years, my husband & I have struggled with infertility. It is an awful thing for couples to have to endure & unfortunately a lot of marriages don't survive after dealing with infertility. I am so thankful that Shane & I are not one of those couples. If anything I think having gone through this has made us closer & our marriage stronger & for that I am forever grateful.
I have finally decided to share our story of infertility, how we got here & all our struggles in hopes that it will help someone else who is going through the same thing or better yet, understand why we have been married for 8+ years & have no children...because I know curious minds want to know!!
So, here is our story:
My husband &I were married for four years when we had decided to stop birth control. I was going to be 35 years old & felt we were finally ready & a good place mentally & financially to start trying for a family. After trying on our own for 10 months, we got pregnant which sadly resulted in a miscarriage @ 7 weeks followed by a D&C. 6 months later I ended up pregnant again which resulted in a miscarriage at 6 weeks.
It was starting to get really frustrating & I had already tried every trick in the book to get pregnant. I charted my basal body temps for a year, spent hundreds of dollars on ovulation test kits, read books on the subject, "relaxed" - everything you can think of & it just wasn't as easy as others said it would be.
Since I wasn't getting any younger, we finally decided to make an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (aka: fertility doctor) to look for possible answers as to why I wasn't getting/staying pregnant along with fertility treatments/options available to us. We both had numerous tests & blood work ran on us & every single one of them came back normal.
After our consult, we decided to start with several attempts at IUI - intrauterine insemination. We tried Clomid for a couple of months & when I wasn't responding to that then I moved on to follicle stimulating hormone injections & after 5 negative pregnancy tests along with poor response to the meds, it was suggested to us that we move forward with IVF - which we did.
For our first IVF attempt, we only got 3 good embryos so we ended up transferring all 3 & that cycle resulted in a negative pregnancy test. We were devastated. After 9 months of this emotional rollercoaster, we decided to take a break from all this "trying-to-conceive" business just to wrap our heads around everything. After about a 2 month break, we seeked out a 2nd opinion with a new clinic & doctor just to see what they might do differently.
Fast forward 4 months when we begin IVF #2 with the new clinic & ended up getting much better results. We managed to get 6 embryos where we transferred 2 & froze the other 4 for later use. Unfortunately, this cycle resulted in another negative pregnancy test. Again, we were devastated. We just couldn't believe that after all this time & money invested that this was not working out for us!
We again met with the Reproductive Endocrinoloigst after this failed attempt to go over our failed cycle & she had diagnosed me with Diminished Ovarian Reserve & told us this was more than likely the cause of why I wasn't getting pregnant. We are able to create good-looking embryos but they all seem to be chromosomally abnormal based on them not surviving. Basically, it means that I have old/crappy quality eggs & with this diagnosis I might never be able to have children. I just couldn't believe that this was happening to us.
At this visit, she also decided to do a Recurrent Pregnancy Loss workup which involves taking 16 vials of blood & testing for auto-immune & clotting disorders along with a thyroid workup. Why I didn't get tested for all this before is beyond me but whatever. I ended up having no detectable auto-immune disorders, my thyroid was normal but I tested slightly abnormal for a clotting factor. She assured me it was "borderline" but would be sure to put me on a blood thinner called Lovenox next cycle just to be on the safe side. This can be a troublesome thing to have because without blood thinners, the blood flow to the fetus will clot off causing a miscarriage so it's kind of important to know you have it before you get pregnant.
2 months later & we do our first frozen embryo transfer of 2 embryos. I was put on the Lovenox & baby aspirin daily & felt optimistic about this cycle. It did result in a positive pregnancy test however, I went on to miscarry 2 weeks later.
Two months later we transferred our last 2 frozen embryos which also resulted in a positive pregnancy. Everything was going well in the pregnancy, but at our 9 week ultrasound it was discovered there was no heartbeat so I was scheduled for yet another D&C. Again were devastated. All that money spent & nothing to show for it. We were at a loss. I had become numb to the pain as this just kept happening over & over for us. I had pretty much lost all hope.
At this point, we were mentally broken & out of money. We had to face the fact that we were never going to have a biological child of our own. I blamed myself & felt like a failure. I felt like I was broken & defective. Support from my husband, my sister & my closest friends helped me get through these tough times. Comfort was also found in some surprising places like infertility discussion boards & a few close friends had stepped forward to let me know they too were going through the same thing. I soon realized that I was not alone in this journey.
To help sort my feelings & thoughts, I had also started an infertility blog that I kept private from my family & close friends which really helped me work through the ups & downs of this entire journey. Only a select few knew about this blog along with the girls on the infertility forum & they always offered their support through our entire journey. It really helped writing about my experience & it turned my “poor me” attitude into something more reflective & positive. What started off as a private journal for myself is now followed by 70+ other girls & has gotten over 62,000+ views. I have made many "cyber" girlfriends just from my blog & the comments they have left behind offering support was always comforting. I truly feel a closeness to them as we are/were going through the same struggles.
I have thought about posting my If blog in the future so those that are interested can read about our long journey & understand it better. It may even help those of you who are going through infertility yourself & may be a good resource. If you have any questions you’d like to ask me privately, please feel free to email me & I’ll be more than happy to answer anything I can. Please keep in mind though that this is OUR story & I am not a medical expert by any means. I am only sharing MY thoughts & opinions - no one else’s. What I believe may not be what you believe & what worked for me may not work for someone else so please respect that.
After our last loss, we sat down & went over all our options that were left of one day becoming parents. Would we continue down the IVF road? Would we try eggs from a donor? Would we adopt? Or would we just give up & live our lives without children? Would we be ok with whatever decision we made? That was the million dollar question.
So why share all this now you ask?! Well, it has something to do with the fact that I just turned 40 (wow - hard to believe) & that was where we always said we were going to draw the line at being done with trying to have a baby. It also has to do with all the questions I have been asked throughout the years by family & friends if I was ever going to share what’s been going on with us & explain why we have no children as of yet.
I’ve always said from day one of starting this journey that I will only share our story with others if we decide to come to a stopping point in this journey OR if it ends up being a "success" story.
Well, we are at one of those two points & that my friends is why I am posting this today.
It was starting to get really frustrating & I had already tried every trick in the book to get pregnant. I charted my basal body temps for a year, spent hundreds of dollars on ovulation test kits, read books on the subject, "relaxed" - everything you can think of & it just wasn't as easy as others said it would be.
Since I wasn't getting any younger, we finally decided to make an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (aka: fertility doctor) to look for possible answers as to why I wasn't getting/staying pregnant along with fertility treatments/options available to us. We both had numerous tests & blood work ran on us & every single one of them came back normal.
After our consult, we decided to start with several attempts at IUI - intrauterine insemination. We tried Clomid for a couple of months & when I wasn't responding to that then I moved on to follicle stimulating hormone injections & after 5 negative pregnancy tests along with poor response to the meds, it was suggested to us that we move forward with IVF - which we did.
For our first IVF attempt, we only got 3 good embryos so we ended up transferring all 3 & that cycle resulted in a negative pregnancy test. We were devastated. After 9 months of this emotional rollercoaster, we decided to take a break from all this "trying-to-conceive" business just to wrap our heads around everything. After about a 2 month break, we seeked out a 2nd opinion with a new clinic & doctor just to see what they might do differently.
Fast forward 4 months when we begin IVF #2 with the new clinic & ended up getting much better results. We managed to get 6 embryos where we transferred 2 & froze the other 4 for later use. Unfortunately, this cycle resulted in another negative pregnancy test. Again, we were devastated. We just couldn't believe that after all this time & money invested that this was not working out for us!
We again met with the Reproductive Endocrinoloigst after this failed attempt to go over our failed cycle & she had diagnosed me with Diminished Ovarian Reserve & told us this was more than likely the cause of why I wasn't getting pregnant. We are able to create good-looking embryos but they all seem to be chromosomally abnormal based on them not surviving. Basically, it means that I have old/crappy quality eggs & with this diagnosis I might never be able to have children. I just couldn't believe that this was happening to us.
At this visit, she also decided to do a Recurrent Pregnancy Loss workup which involves taking 16 vials of blood & testing for auto-immune & clotting disorders along with a thyroid workup. Why I didn't get tested for all this before is beyond me but whatever. I ended up having no detectable auto-immune disorders, my thyroid was normal but I tested slightly abnormal for a clotting factor. She assured me it was "borderline" but would be sure to put me on a blood thinner called Lovenox next cycle just to be on the safe side. This can be a troublesome thing to have because without blood thinners, the blood flow to the fetus will clot off causing a miscarriage so it's kind of important to know you have it before you get pregnant.
2 months later & we do our first frozen embryo transfer of 2 embryos. I was put on the Lovenox & baby aspirin daily & felt optimistic about this cycle. It did result in a positive pregnancy test however, I went on to miscarry 2 weeks later.
Two months later we transferred our last 2 frozen embryos which also resulted in a positive pregnancy. Everything was going well in the pregnancy, but at our 9 week ultrasound it was discovered there was no heartbeat so I was scheduled for yet another D&C. Again were devastated. All that money spent & nothing to show for it. We were at a loss. I had become numb to the pain as this just kept happening over & over for us. I had pretty much lost all hope.
At this point, we were mentally broken & out of money. We had to face the fact that we were never going to have a biological child of our own. I blamed myself & felt like a failure. I felt like I was broken & defective. Support from my husband, my sister & my closest friends helped me get through these tough times. Comfort was also found in some surprising places like infertility discussion boards & a few close friends had stepped forward to let me know they too were going through the same thing. I soon realized that I was not alone in this journey.
To help sort my feelings & thoughts, I had also started an infertility blog that I kept private from my family & close friends which really helped me work through the ups & downs of this entire journey. Only a select few knew about this blog along with the girls on the infertility forum & they always offered their support through our entire journey. It really helped writing about my experience & it turned my “poor me” attitude into something more reflective & positive. What started off as a private journal for myself is now followed by 70+ other girls & has gotten over 62,000+ views. I have made many "cyber" girlfriends just from my blog & the comments they have left behind offering support was always comforting. I truly feel a closeness to them as we are/were going through the same struggles.
I have thought about posting my If blog in the future so those that are interested can read about our long journey & understand it better. It may even help those of you who are going through infertility yourself & may be a good resource. If you have any questions you’d like to ask me privately, please feel free to email me & I’ll be more than happy to answer anything I can. Please keep in mind though that this is OUR story & I am not a medical expert by any means. I am only sharing MY thoughts & opinions - no one else’s. What I believe may not be what you believe & what worked for me may not work for someone else so please respect that.
After our last loss, we sat down & went over all our options that were left of one day becoming parents. Would we continue down the IVF road? Would we try eggs from a donor? Would we adopt? Or would we just give up & live our lives without children? Would we be ok with whatever decision we made? That was the million dollar question.
So why share all this now you ask?! Well, it has something to do with the fact that I just turned 40 (wow - hard to believe) & that was where we always said we were going to draw the line at being done with trying to have a baby. It also has to do with all the questions I have been asked throughout the years by family & friends if I was ever going to share what’s been going on with us & explain why we have no children as of yet.
I’ve always said from day one of starting this journey that I will only share our story with others if we decide to come to a stopping point in this journey OR if it ends up being a "success" story.
Well, we are at one of those two points & that my friends is why I am posting this today.
to be continued...
Sunday, September 2
Hello Fall
Ok, so according to the calendar it isn't offically Fall until September 22nd but if you live in our household or at my friend Keri's house then fall for us begins on September 1st :)
So while I decorated the house this weekend with pumpkins & leaves, I may have spent the day enjoying the smell of this:
While nibbling on these:
And baked my first "pumpkin" item of the season:
And while running errands I may or may not have enjoyed one of these:
I know - it's ok. You can admit that this post puts you in the "fall" mood too. I mean how can it not??? Who says you have to wait until the end of Sept to celebrate the fall season??
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