I guess what this person didn’t know was that we had spent the last 6 years trying to conceive our first child. Month after month there were questions, tears, numerous blood draws, months of hormone injections, IUI's, IVF, too many ultrasounds to count, several devastating miscarriages which was followed by more blood work, more injections, another round of IVF, several frozen embryo transfers & then another chemical pregnancy - which turns out is a much nicer way of saying early miscarriage.
I thought having a baby & being a mommy would take away all that pain & heartbreak we suffered through the past 6 years. But when I consider the thought of "trying" for another child all those feelings that have been hidden & buried creep up to the surface. There are things that no one tells you about being a mommy & life after infertility so I am here to share with you a few things I’ve learned:
1. You don’t really ever get over it.
I thought having Mason would somehow magically erase the sadness, jealousy, bitterness & hurt that comes with struggling with infertility. Don't get me wrong, having Mase has certainly eased a lot of that heartache but there are still those moments when the pain in my gut & my heart return upon hearing women say how easy it was for them to get pregnant. I just can't help it. I am always jealous it comes so easily for some.
Infertility still haunts me from time to time - especially since there is always the possibility of baby #2 lurking around the corner. I spent my entire pregnancy extremely cautious & was always waiting for something bad to happen or for the ball to drop & it did not make for an enjoyable time. It wasn't until Mason was laid unto my tummy after just being born for it to sink in that I literally just had a baby & he was healthy & ok.
I still remain jealous of those who don't have to worry about these things, who can enjoy pregnancy completely & without any fear. Did you know I refused to name our child before he was born? There was a reason he was called "Baby T" & that we didn't share the name with anyone until he was born. It was because naming something makes it real & until I met our child, I was too scared to let him be real.
2. Sometimes you won’t feel thankful.
Being thankful for children after infertility seems like a no-brainer & it is....for the most part. It is truly a miracle to have this blessing in our lives & I thank God every single day - sometimes several times a day - for granting us this miracle. I stare at my son in awe & sometimes I may rock him for far too long after he has fallen asleep & I may give him hundred's of kisses a day & am so very thankful to have this opportunity to be a mommy....something I have dreamed about & prayed about for so many years.
But here is where HT keeps it honest & real. There are days & moments when I am absolutely NOT thankful, where I am stretched to my limit, irritated with the constant demands my job, my husband & life puts on me & some days absolutely exhausted by motherhood. Sometimes my infertile self will come back to haunt me & remind me “Hey, your the one that wanted this for so long! You prayed for this opportunity to be a mother & now you are one so deal with it!"
3. There is pressure to be a perfect Mom.
Because I dealt with infertility for so long I found that my view of motherhood was skewed. I had to work really hard to let go of holding myself to impossible standards. I have let Mason become the center of my universe & I'm here to tell you that is not necessarily the healthiest place for me to be. I have since learned to let the house cleaning go, make more time for my husband, let daddy & Mase have more time together & getting out of the house & doing things for just mommy (girls night out, pedicure, shopping or going to the grocery store - alone).
That pressure to let motherhood be "all-consuming" is very strong in some parts of our society & I wanted to avoid motherhood consuming me so that is partially what drove my decision to stay working full-time. Trust me, I personally am a much better mommy working full-time than I would be not working at all & I know saying that makes me sound selfish but I know myself & how I am. Working part-time would be perfect for me & is something I would love to be able to do but financially we just can't swing it. Being at work 5 days a week & having Mason in daycare during that time is something I struggle with everyday. But knowing he is in wonderful care & in a great daycare where I know he loves going to everyday makes it so much easier to tolerate.
I spent so many years swearing to myself that if I ever were a parent I would never work full time... along with the fact that I would never yell at my kids in public, or ignore them when they were yelling “Mama!” & I would never let them cry for any amount of time. Well I am here to tell you that I was wrong. I have let him cry & I work full time & feel guilty for it everyday. But I know that doesn't make me a horrible mother. It is absolutely impossible to be the perfect mother all of the time. But I sure try my very best to be that "perfect" mommy & that is all you can do is try...right?
4. Being a mommy will affect your friendships.
When I was going through infertility, there were times that I had to cut off contact with certain friends. The worst were my friends or co-workers who got pregnant at the same time I did & my pregnancy ended in miscarriage while they had much happier endings. There were friends whose baby showers I skipped out on because I just couldn't bear going & it was easier to skip a two-hour shower than go, put on a fake, happy face & then spend the next 12 hours in tears.
After I got pregnant, I had what I called "survivor’s guilt" towards my friends who were still in the trenches, fighting their own infertility battles. I really struggled with whether to invite these friends to my baby shower & I felt so guilty that I was even having a shower at all. Having been on the other side of that equation, I knew just how they were feeling which made me sad & unfortunately their reactions did affect our friendship. I regret now that I unintentionally hurt some of my friends by not going to their baby showers to keep myself from feeling sad, but in the midst of it all, I did not have that clarity of thought at the time.
But just as infertility caused some friendships to get much stronger & others to fall apart, motherhood has done the same. Like infertility, only other mothers know about the ups & downs of motherhood. I used to joke that I felt like moms were in a secret club that I wasn’t allowed into - turns out I was half right. It is kind of like a secret club, because (& I hate to say this) you can’t understand the difficulty of raising a child until you have been a parent. It is by far the hardest job I have ever done but the absolute most rewarding job I have ever done.
Every once in a while, I meet another mom who has been through infertility or miscarriage & it is like an instant bond. Those friends are few & far between, but they are now some of my dearest & bestest friends. And those of them who have turned into Mommies like myself there is even a greater bond & emotional tie that we will share for life.
5. You will survive infertility.
Back in the day I thought that infertility would be the death of me. I made it through all the sad times, the heartbreak & the emotional roller coaster & managed the best I knew how & after being blessed by our miracle baby, somewhere along the way I realized that I have gotten through it. I got through some of the hardest & most difficult years of my life & came out the better for it.
Infertility shapes you - sometimes it feels like it’s for the worse, but it can be for the better. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought to myself “How do people who’ve never struggled with infertility stay sane while raising kids?” I mean, really, it is hard to raise children & having that little pocket of extra thankfulness & patience that came only by way of having struggled to become a parent is truly a lifesaver for me.
Like infertility, parenthood has shaped me & changed me into a better version of myself. Being a Mommy has made me a much better person & having infertility has made me a better parent. So I guess in all actuality, I can say there is something good that came from having infertility?!
3 comments:
This post is absolutely amazing and really spoke to me. THANK YOU for being real.
Wonderful post! When I was pregnant I had horrible n/v my whole pregnancy and it was so hard to not complain about how miserable I was at certain points. I was ever so grateful to be pregnant after ttcing for 2 years. There were those critics that if I said anything about not feeling good or this or that hurting, I immediately got the "you wanted this so badly" response. There were many times I just had to bite my tongue and think to myself so because I struggled with infertility I can't complain about anything, that being pregnant is easier on me than on someone else who looked at their spouse/so and got pregnant? The same rings true now when I have bad days with Ethan. I can't complain about it because there those critics are again saying how much I wanted this. Once you've dealt with infertility you can't escape it, its always there unfortunately.
I don't know how I missed this post. But, oh how I agree with it.
I, too, thought that having Aidan after IVF would take away the heartbreak that I carried regarding IF, and I was truly surprised when it still lingered. I felt so betrayed by my body. I was angry. Then I got pg with Ava on my own, and a little more pain went away, but not all. Now you would think after Cooper (3 kids post an IF diagnosis) that the hurt would all be gone. But like you said, it's not. I cannot explain it except to guess that pain that deep truly scars you. To this day, when people brag about how easily they get pg it is still feels like a dagger to my heart. I feel like they're mocking me, especially because most who say it know my journey. I feel like they think they did something "right" in a category where I failed and suffered for years because of my failure. I still feel guilt that my husband had to go through that because I was his partner. I just wonder if it will ever go away? :(
The upside is that I have fully acknowledged that my children are here because God made it happen. I think if you get pg easily that the magnitude of that statement alludes you just a bit, even though the same is true for everyone. I also have a very tender heart for others dealing with IF, and am sensitive to others' feelings in a way that maybe I would not have been before. If someone does not have children, I don't ask. Because I remember the pain that it could cause.
And I totally felt after getting pg post IF that I had no right to complain about anything pg-related. "I should just be grateful to be here" was the attitude I was met with by others, and even what I said to myself. I resented that, too.
IF for me was a nightmare. However, it deepened my faith in God and His plans, and His perfect timing. And that was a big "good" thing to come out of it. I trust easier now. I try to control less. (Whoa! Two more positives.) But I won't lie. I wish I could have learned these lessons another way.
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