Since it has been a slow week & I really don't have any exciting news to share with you all, I thought I would post this funny email that I received last week! It is definitely worth the chuckle since we can ALL relate. From what I understand, this is an actual letter from an Austin, TX woman sent to the company Proctor & Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets on a roll after the first paragraph :) Enjoy...
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years & I truly appreciate many of their features. Without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, & I'd certainly steer clear of running up & down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite all-time feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe & secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my panties.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type this, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust & I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'a bitch on wheels with knife skills.'
Isn't the human body amazing? As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, the puffiness, & the cramping we endure, & about our intense mood swings, crying & out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, Sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants - which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramps so painful that I wanted to reach inside my body & yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, & there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you fu**ing kidding me? Does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable Mr. Thatcher? Well, did it?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua & lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God - if you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep - Always!
Sincerely,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
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