Yesterday he was like this.....
Today he is like this....
Today was Kindergarten Roundup at his new school & he was SO excited to go. We walked in through the big glass doors & as we walked down the hall Mase let go of my hand & ran ahead to the gym & didn't even look back. It was at this moment that I realized our little boy is no longer little. He is 5. He is soon to be a Kindergartner. Where the heck has 5 years gone????
There were teachers lining the hallway greeting all the parents & they were so welcoming. But despite their big smiles & happy faces I couldn't keep my composure. I looked over at Shane & tears welled up in my eyes. He just rolled his eyes at me. He pretty much thinks I am crazy but it was all I could do to keep it together. He tells me all the time that I should be happy he is growing up & I am but I am also sad about it.
I really think it is different for a mother. My mind travels back to the day I first laid eyes on his little body & held him in my arms & how for the last 5 years I have been his Mama. His constant. The one he comes too for snuggles. The one he comes to when he gets hurt. The one he tells "I love you so much in my heart". The one who says " I will always hug you. Even when I am old like you & Daddy". I know I can’t keep him little forever. As much as I want to it just isn’t possible & that’s what makes me crazy.
I have known this day was coming for well, 5 years now but I’m still not ready to let him grow up. All his preschool teachers have been preparing him & he is MORE than ready but nobody has prepared ME & to be honest, I’m scared, sad & nervous.
I had butterflies in my stomach as I got out of the car & started to walk towards the school. During the introductions I sat there with my husband trying to listen to what the principal was saying but all I could think about were the new transitions that would soon be taking place for all of us & my mind started to wander. This is the conversation I was having in my head as I should of been listening to the principal....
"Wow - this school seems so big. What if Mase gets lost? I wonder if he will feel shy asking to go to the bathroom? That reminds me - I need to teach him to wipe his own bottom soon. Ugh, will he even know where the bathroom is? Wait, did she just say they have to carry a tray with their food on it at lunch? What if his little arms won't be able to carry the tray in the cafeteria? What if he drops it? We need to go shopping for his first backpack. I hope he will be able to make new friends. What if he gets bullied? God help the little sh!t who bullies my child. Oh gosh, did I just say that?! Wow - no wonder Shane thinks I'm crazy."
Ugh - all these butterflies in my stomach have now turned into knots.
Now I know I am crazy but surely I am not the only first time mom who is or has felt this way? I know I should be happy that he is growing up & that he is so ready to embark on this new journey but the other part of me wants to hug his sweet little body & cry.
It is truly bittersweet. A combination of sadness & happiness is truly how I feel when I think about him starting his very first day of school. Did I mention he starts Kindergarten on my birthday?? I have already put in my PTO request at work to have the day off. Between the tears & another year closer to 50 I am going to need it!!
Deep down I know he is going to do great in Kindergarten. He is a pretty fearless little kid. It is just me who is afraid. I know he will love school & make many new friends & I’m excited for him to learn & experience new things. As the year goes by, I know he will become more independent each day & flourish in his new environment. I just hope he knows that he will always be my baby & no matter how big he gets that is something that won’t ever change. I am ready to let him soar but it is going to be extremely hard to sit back & watch.
Summer is right around the corner & we have 4 months of fun to be had. I’m going to try & make the most of it with him before he starts school as well as prepare myself as best I can for his first day. It will definitely be bittersweet - full of happiness for him & sadness for me but I won’t let him see me cry. Because I know myself & I know on that first day as he walks away from me with his back turned excited to be walking through those glass doors, the tears will be flowing down my face & my husband will once again look over at me & roll his eyes.
Hopefully after his eye roll he will reassure me that everything is going to be okay as Mase heads off into the great unknown. One thing I am sure of, I will be anxiously awaiting to pick him up all day to hear all about his first day of Kindergarten.
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