Grief

I have known my best friend for gosh, I don't know....something like 13 or 14 years?? A long damn time I do know that.

In that time we have gone through a lot together. I worked side by side with her at the hospital. I was at her wedding. I have been on fun trips with her. We were there for each other during our infertility journey. We were pregnant at the same time & had our "miracle" babies 6 weeks apart. We have shared play dates. I was there when sadly she got divorced. I was there when she met her now fiancé. I was there when her mom got sick. I was there when she got the diagnosis. And sadly I was there when her mom passed away. We sure have covered a lot of ups & downs in our years of knowing each other.....all moments that have made us stronger & closer as friends.

A best friend is supposed to be there to help & show support during life’s biggest moments: a wedding, the birth of a child, that child's graduation. But nothing prepared me for how I would need to be there or the support I would be giving out during the death of a parent.

My friends' mom received her Stage 4 diagnosis of lung cancer the beginning of February. Her only complaint was that she had vertigo since the new year that wasn't going away. Finally an MRI was done & that is where they found that the cancer had started in the lung & had spread to her kidney & brain. Her mom opted out of chemo & was given 4-6 months to live. Sadly she passed away 5 weeks later.

I have talked to my friend everyday on an app called Voxer for the last 2 1/2 years. The conversations we have had these past 5 weeks have been some of the most heartbreaking to listen to as well as speak myself but man am I ever thankful for that silly app. I could check in with her daily & she could check in with me daily when she was able to & provide me updates, vent about the situation, cry, laugh & ramble on about nothing. It kept me informed when I couldn't be there & kept her distracted listening to my crazy life if only for a few minutes that day.

Watching my best friend go through the last 5 weeks was by far the hardest & most helpless I have felt for someone ever. I wanted to take her pain away but couldn't. I wanted to help her mom get better because that is what I do on a day to day basis with my job but I couldn't. I wanted to be there with her everyday but I couldn't because I had my own life to live & a husband & son to take care of. I wanted to hug her the times she broke down on the phone but I couldn't because I wasn't there at the time. I wanted to be there with her as she watched her mom slowly slip away day after day but I couldn't. Ugh feeling helpless as a friend is a horrible feeling.

After her mom passed away I remember sitting there thinking now what. Now what do I say or don't say or now what do I do or don't do for her. You don't want to overstep boundaries but you also don't want them to feel like you have forgotten about them either.

I debated for a couple of weeks whether I should even blog about this subject matter.  But after much thought I have decided that maybe talking about it just might help someone else who is going through the same feelings or sadly will be in the future. I also hope that by offering some of my own thoughts & ideas of what I think you can do for a friend who is going through difficult times/grief will help you feel like you are present in their life & not helpless.

I pray you never have to experience such sadness but when your best friend experiences loss they will need you to help them grieve....even if they aren't quite sure how to do it themselves. By being present, listening & doing things that show you care, you can be a huge tower of strength & light, during a dark & confusing time.

Here are some ideas  (mostly reflections on my own experience) of things you can say or do to comfort your grieving friend:

1) Remind your friend that you’re thinking of them.
I sent daily text messages & used the app Voxer to let my friend know that I was thinking of her. I also sent her spiritual/motivational messages I had found on Pinterest which also let her know she was on my mind. Sometimes I didn't get a response back & that was ok. I just wanted her to know I was thinking of her.
2) Pray for them
Include them & their family in your prayers. Add them to a prayer list at church so others can pray for them. Ask your friends to pray for them. The power of prayer is an amazing thing & you can never ask for too many prayers.
3) Make yourself available
If you are able to be flexible with your time, be available to your friend if they need to talk. Text them back right away if they text you. If they ask to meet you for coffee or dinner try to clear your schedule & be there. There is a reason they are asking to meet you....trust me.
4) Check in regularly
Do this before, during & after things get bad. 
5) Schedule time together in the future
Your friend may not feel like wanting to hang out soon after they lose a parent but putting something like dinner or a movie or just meeting for coffee - just the two of you - on the calendar for down the road will give them something to look forward to & get them out of the house.
6) Cook for them
Having a meal prepared by friends that was ready to bake or eat was extremely helpful for my friend. To not have to think about what to cook even if it was only for one night was greatly appreciated. People love food - especially comfort food.
7) Offer to clean their house or hire someone to clean it
This may be a touchy gesture for some but for my friend it was greatly appreciated. When she wasn't working she was at the hospice house with her mom or tending to her daughter. There wasn't any time for cleaning the house so over time it just got messy. One of her friends had her housecleaner come in while she was away & thoroughly cleaned her house for her. When she came home not only was she shocked but a huge sense of relief came over her & of course tears just to walk in to a clean house.
8) Make a basket
I had put together a huge basket of water, snacks, fruit, things to do for the kiddos, etc & delivered it to the hospital while her mom was there. I knew the family as well as friends would be there for awhile & thought it would be nice to have a basket of snacks available so they didn't need to leave the room.

Little did I know how much use this basket would get or how comforting it would be for the family. As the snacks dwindled, my friend & her family would restock it. When her mom moved to the hospice house the basket of snacks came with & was replenished weekly. When her mom passed away they used the basket to help bring her things home in. They later used that basket to take pictures & things to the funeral home. I'm not sure what ever happened to the basket but I do know that my friend said that basket meant more to them than I will ever know. It was at that moment that I didn't feel helpless as a friend anymore. Who knew such a simple gesture as a basket would mean so much to a family or mean so much to me for being the one who put it together.

So bottom line - if you are feeling helpless & have no idea what to do for your friend.....make a basket. Whether it be filled with snacks & food, or filled with "relaxing" things, or things to do, or even filled with gift cards to restaurants - make a basket. Every time they go to it or look at it they will think of you & will forever love you for it.

Grief is such a hard subject matter to talk about & deal with. I pray that none of you experience this kind of loss with a best friend anytime soon but hopefully after reading this you will be better prepared on how to be there for your friend when it does.