Reason, Season & Lifetime Friends

There is a very famous poem written by an anonymous writer who explains that different people come into our lives to serve different purposes. Most of you have seen or heard of that poem but what does it mean? 

People who come into your life for a REASON because you needed to learn an important lesson in some way or another. They serve a purpose or fulfill a need & then their work is done & they are gone. People who come into your life for a SEASON are meant to help shape your personality & individuality into what it is today. These people may teach you something & usually bring you much joy. Then like seasons change the friendship also changes & they are gone. People who come into your life for a LIFETIME are keepers. These people are here to stay in your life for a very, very long time. These are the people who teach you life lessons. Friends you love dearly. Friends that you may not see in forever but when you finally do see them it is like no time has passed. 

We have all had these 3 kinds of people encounter our lives but I really didn't fully experience what this poem actually meant until after I had a child.

Those of you who know me know how much I value my "girl-time". It is an important part of who I am & thank God my husband gets that! 

Throughout my life, I have been so very blessed by several different "types" of girlfriends. I have had a lot of good friends in my life that I have met along the way - the REASON friends. Then there are my "work" friends, the SC girlfriends & the "game night" friends who were SEASON friends. Then there are my super close girlfriends - my ride or die kinda friends - my LIFETIME friends. After Mason was born, slowly a lot of those "season" friends started to disappear one by one as well as the friendships. Especially the ones with friends who didn't have children.

I remember a very specific dinner I had with the game night girls that I like to refer to as "the last supper". 

I call it this because sadly it would be the very last time I saw or talked to the majority of these girls. That was when this whole poem came into play for me & I experienced what a SEASON type of friendship was.

Mason was 2 years old & the group was getting together for dinner like they often do. I had not been able to meet up with them in quite some time because when you work full time & have a small child it is just not an easy task. It turned out it was a night that I was able to go but only if I brought Mase. I debated back & forth whether I should go or not & even called my bestie Jill to get her thoughts. She told me no one would mind that I brought Mase & I should go - so I did.

When I walked in I could sense immediately the disapproval from at least 4 out of the 7 girls. It was awkward & uncomfortable to say the least from the time I sat down with Mase to the time I left. Out of all the girls, only a few of them asked me how I was, how Mase was or what I have been up to. It felt like I didn't exist to those at the other end of the table. 

After we all ate, Mase started to get fussy so as to not make anyone feel uncomfortable, I left. I walked out of there with my feelings hurt & not really understanding what just happened. Later that evening I called Jill who was also there & asked her if I was imagining things or if that dinner seemed weird. She agreed it felt awkward which made me feel like it wasn't just me & sadly that was the last time I saw or talked to the majority of those girls.

I have been told numerous times that life changes when you have a baby & it definitely does but what they don't tell you is that your friendships will also change. Through my life friends have come & gone & the losses all hurt in some way or another but the most hurtful time I have lost friends was after I became a mother. I have gotten a lot of advice as a mother but no one prepared me with that little tidbit - especially losing friendships with women friends who don't have children yet. That couldn't be more true & that last supper proved it.

So what changed? What happened to me & why did I feel like I was losing friends left & right? There were many nights I sat rocking Mason pondering that question. Then it came to me. I had a baby. That's what changed. A lot of my friends didn't have children yet so they couldn't relate. 

I had a baby who wouldn't sleep. A baby who had extreme reflux & was always fussy. A baby who would sleep all day & be awake all night. I was slipping into a depression & felt an overwhelming feeling of anxiety daily. My former life, complete with friends, ideas, goals & fun times had slipped away from me. My extreme exhaustion & lack of sleep meant that I wasn't the best mother I could be. Or the best wife. Or the best friend. And so I assume my friends didn't want to deal with this "new" me or didn't know how to deal with this new me so slowly we became distant.

It's not that I didn't care about my friends anymore because I absolutely did. In fact I needed those relationships in my life more than ever just to feel a sense of normal. But I couldn't figure out how to fit them into a new life that revolved around nap schedules, feeding schedules, play-dates, a full time job & all my other domestic duties.

It's a proven fact that friendships without time investment wither & die & sadly that's exactly what happened to my friendships once Mason was born. I had less & less in common with friends from my former "pre-Mason" life. They were in a totally different place in life than I was. They didn't understand what it was like to wake up 5 times in a night or get up at 4 am with the baby everyday for a year & a half & still continue to work full time & be on call at night for the hospital. My only priorities were about my family, making sure I could function on a day-to-day basis, keeping my son alive, trying my hardest to keep my strained marriage together & continue to work a full time job. 

My friends from my pre-baby life didn't understand why I couldn't ever meet them out for dinner or drinks or game-nights. Or maybe they did & just didn't care. They didn't know that at the time being without my son made me feel anxious like I couldn't breathe, like a physical part of my body was missing. 

I haven't told anyone this but leaving Mason alone with my husband when he was a baby made me super anxious as well. I had fears that something would happen to him in his Daddy's care while I was gone & that gave me a lot of anxiety. I think a lot of those fears stem back to all the years we dealt with infertility & loss. I thought as long as Mason was in my care then nothing would happen to him so I just didn't do anything or go anywhere without him. 

I am happy to report that I have gotten over those fears & anxiety & turns out Shane is an amazing father to Mason but it took a really long time to get there! It's funny because even though I felt like that I also felt that when I was with Mason, I was sure I was doing everything wrong as a first-time mother. I worried about everything & anything & felt like nothing would ever get better & nothing would ever change. I felt like this child would never sleep and I would never feel like myself again. These are the crazy thoughts you have at 2 am completely exhausted while rocking your child back to sleep.

Fortunately, once Mason turned 2 years old the fog seemed to have lifted. He was still not the best sleeper but was starting to finally sleep through the night which meant Mama was sleeping through the night. I was starting to feel like I had the routine down. Like I was becoming my old self again. I was even making some new friends at Mason's daycare which were "mom" friends & learning what "play-dates" were all about with these women & their kiddos.

I am so very thankful & grateful to have made several wonderful "mom" friends at a time when I needed their friendships the most. These women I now refer to as my Mama Tribe were able to understand my challenges as a new mom & support me through them. These girls started off as REASON friendships that turned into LIFETIME friendships. I'm able to be myself with them as we share stories about our kids, husbands & our lives & they get it. They also get me. They haven't replaced any other friends. They are just new friends - put in my life when I needed them the most. 

I still think about the friendships I have lost & miss hanging out with those girls. It wasn't just losing their friendship that was devastating to me. It was losing what the friendship represented. I had lost myself. I didn't feel like Heather the "friend" anymore. I was known as Heather the "mommy". 

My pre-baby life was gone. Everything about me & my life had changed. I drink wine out of Disney character cups. Going shopping means going to Carters or Children's Place & buying cute outfits for Mase. My evenings consist of playing games like Candy Land or Chutes & Ladders or watching Paw Patrol or PJ Masks. There is bath-time & story-time & many nights I fall asleep at 9pm next to my son. Any TV watching, blogging or "me time" is usually done at the end of the day, after Mase is asleep & the dishes from supper are done or laundry is changed out which is usually way after 9pm. This is my life now & honestly I wouldn't change a thing.

Mason will be five years old in a few days & looking back to those first 2 years I can honestly say I am in a much better place - sadly minus a few friendships. And even though I've embraced motherhood, I still think about the kind of person I used to be, the friends I have lost along the way & how my life before Mason came along was. 

It is hard to imagine that I was once the kind of person who wasn't concerned with nose or butt wiping, eating schedules, missed naps or temper tantrums. The kind of person who was fun, adventurous & spontaneous. I do see glimpses of her every so often, but I know that she, like my former friendships, no longer exist anymore & I am finally ok with that. 

I love being this friend known as "Mason's mom" & love all the amazing Mama friendships that I have formed the past several years. Whether they be friendships of reason, a season or a lifetime - I am truly blessed.