For the past 6 years I’ve kept a big part of our personal life off of this blog. I’ve thought a LONG time about this post, whether I even wanted to say anything at all or what exactly I was even going to say. I have even had a rough draft of this post for several months now & have debated many times whether to click "publish" or continue to hit "save". I guess I just wasn't ready to share with you all something so personal & heartbreaking....until now.
For the last 6 years, my husband & I have struggled with infertility. It is an awful thing for couples to have to endure & unfortunately a lot of marriages don't survive after dealing with infertility. I am so thankful that Shane & I are not one of those couples. If anything I think having gone through this has made us closer & our marriage stronger & for that I am forever grateful.
I have finally decided to share our story of infertility, how we got here & all our struggles in hopes that it will help someone else who is going through the same thing or better yet, understand why we have been married for 8+ years & have no children...because I know curious minds want to know!!
So, here is our story:
For the last 6 years, my husband & I have struggled with infertility. It is an awful thing for couples to have to endure & unfortunately a lot of marriages don't survive after dealing with infertility. I am so thankful that Shane & I are not one of those couples. If anything I think having gone through this has made us closer & our marriage stronger & for that I am forever grateful.
I have finally decided to share our story of infertility, how we got here & all our struggles in hopes that it will help someone else who is going through the same thing or better yet, understand why we have been married for 8+ years & have no children...because I know curious minds want to know!!
So, here is our story:
My husband &I were married for four years when we had decided to stop birth control. I was going to be 35 years old & felt we were finally ready & a good place mentally & financially to start trying for a family. After trying on our own for 10 months, we got pregnant which sadly resulted in a miscarriage @ 7 weeks followed by a D&C. 6 months later I ended up pregnant again which resulted in a miscarriage at 6 weeks.
It was starting to get really frustrating & I had already tried every trick in the book to get pregnant. I charted my basal body temps for a year, spent hundreds of dollars on ovulation test kits, read books on the subject, "relaxed" - everything you can think of & it just wasn't as easy as others said it would be.
Since I wasn't getting any younger, we finally decided to make an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (aka: fertility doctor) to look for possible answers as to why I wasn't getting/staying pregnant along with fertility treatments/options available to us. We both had numerous tests & blood work ran on us & every single one of them came back normal.
After our consult, we decided to start with several attempts at IUI - intrauterine insemination. We tried Clomid for a couple of months & when I wasn't responding to that then I moved on to follicle stimulating hormone injections & after 5 negative pregnancy tests along with poor response to the meds, it was suggested to us that we move forward with IVF - which we did.
For our first IVF attempt, we only got 3 good embryos so we ended up transferring all 3 & that cycle resulted in a negative pregnancy test. We were devastated. After 9 months of this emotional rollercoaster, we decided to take a break from all this "trying-to-conceive" business just to wrap our heads around everything. After about a 2 month break, we seeked out a 2nd opinion with a new clinic & doctor just to see what they might do differently.
Fast forward 4 months when we begin IVF #2 with the new clinic & ended up getting much better results. We managed to get 6 embryos where we transferred 2 & froze the other 4 for later use. Unfortunately, this cycle resulted in another negative pregnancy test. Again, we were devastated. We just couldn't believe that after all this time & money invested that this was not working out for us!
We again met with the Reproductive Endocrinoloigst after this failed attempt to go over our failed cycle & she had diagnosed me with Diminished Ovarian Reserve & told us this was more than likely the cause of why I wasn't getting pregnant. We are able to create good-looking embryos but they all seem to be chromosomally abnormal based on them not surviving. Basically, it means that I have old/crappy quality eggs & with this diagnosis I might never be able to have children. I just couldn't believe that this was happening to us.
At this visit, she also decided to do a Recurrent Pregnancy Loss workup which involves taking 16 vials of blood & testing for auto-immune & clotting disorders along with a thyroid workup. Why I didn't get tested for all this before is beyond me but whatever. I ended up having no detectable auto-immune disorders, my thyroid was normal but I tested slightly abnormal for a clotting factor. She assured me it was "borderline" but would be sure to put me on a blood thinner called Lovenox next cycle just to be on the safe side. This can be a troublesome thing to have because without blood thinners, the blood flow to the fetus will clot off causing a miscarriage so it's kind of important to know you have it before you get pregnant.
2 months later & we do our first frozen embryo transfer of 2 embryos. I was put on the Lovenox & baby aspirin daily & felt optimistic about this cycle. It did result in a positive pregnancy test however, I went on to miscarry 2 weeks later.
Two months later we transferred our last 2 frozen embryos which also resulted in a positive pregnancy. Everything was going well in the pregnancy, but at our 9 week ultrasound it was discovered there was no heartbeat so I was scheduled for yet another D&C. Again were devastated. All that money spent & nothing to show for it. We were at a loss. I had become numb to the pain as this just kept happening over & over for us. I had pretty much lost all hope.
At this point, we were mentally broken & out of money. We had to face the fact that we were never going to have a biological child of our own. I blamed myself & felt like a failure. I felt like I was broken & defective. Support from my husband, my sister & my closest friends helped me get through these tough times. Comfort was also found in some surprising places like infertility discussion boards & a few close friends had stepped forward to let me know they too were going through the same thing. I soon realized that I was not alone in this journey.
To help sort my feelings & thoughts, I had also started an infertility blog that I kept private from my family & close friends which really helped me work through the ups & downs of this entire journey. Only a select few knew about this blog along with the girls on the infertility forum & they always offered their support through our entire journey. It really helped writing about my experience & it turned my “poor me” attitude into something more reflective & positive. What started off as a private journal for myself is now followed by 70+ other girls & has gotten over 62,000+ views. I have made many "cyber" girlfriends just from my blog & the comments they have left behind offering support was always comforting. I truly feel a closeness to them as we are/were going through the same struggles.
I have thought about posting my If blog in the future so those that are interested can read about our long journey & understand it better. It may even help those of you who are going through infertility yourself & may be a good resource. If you have any questions you’d like to ask me privately, please feel free to email me & I’ll be more than happy to answer anything I can. Please keep in mind though that this is OUR story & I am not a medical expert by any means. I am only sharing MY thoughts & opinions - no one else’s. What I believe may not be what you believe & what worked for me may not work for someone else so please respect that.
After our last loss, we sat down & went over all our options that were left of one day becoming parents. Would we continue down the IVF road? Would we try eggs from a donor? Would we adopt? Or would we just give up & live our lives without children? Would we be ok with whatever decision we made? That was the million dollar question.
So why share all this now you ask?! Well, it has something to do with the fact that I just turned 40 (wow - hard to believe) & that was where we always said we were going to draw the line at being done with trying to have a baby. It also has to do with all the questions I have been asked throughout the years by family & friends if I was ever going to share what’s been going on with us & explain why we have no children as of yet.
I’ve always said from day one of starting this journey that I will only share our story with others if we decide to come to a stopping point in this journey OR if it ends up being a "success" story.
Well, we are at one of those two points & that my friends is why I am posting this today.
It was starting to get really frustrating & I had already tried every trick in the book to get pregnant. I charted my basal body temps for a year, spent hundreds of dollars on ovulation test kits, read books on the subject, "relaxed" - everything you can think of & it just wasn't as easy as others said it would be.
Since I wasn't getting any younger, we finally decided to make an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (aka: fertility doctor) to look for possible answers as to why I wasn't getting/staying pregnant along with fertility treatments/options available to us. We both had numerous tests & blood work ran on us & every single one of them came back normal.
After our consult, we decided to start with several attempts at IUI - intrauterine insemination. We tried Clomid for a couple of months & when I wasn't responding to that then I moved on to follicle stimulating hormone injections & after 5 negative pregnancy tests along with poor response to the meds, it was suggested to us that we move forward with IVF - which we did.
For our first IVF attempt, we only got 3 good embryos so we ended up transferring all 3 & that cycle resulted in a negative pregnancy test. We were devastated. After 9 months of this emotional rollercoaster, we decided to take a break from all this "trying-to-conceive" business just to wrap our heads around everything. After about a 2 month break, we seeked out a 2nd opinion with a new clinic & doctor just to see what they might do differently.
Fast forward 4 months when we begin IVF #2 with the new clinic & ended up getting much better results. We managed to get 6 embryos where we transferred 2 & froze the other 4 for later use. Unfortunately, this cycle resulted in another negative pregnancy test. Again, we were devastated. We just couldn't believe that after all this time & money invested that this was not working out for us!
We again met with the Reproductive Endocrinoloigst after this failed attempt to go over our failed cycle & she had diagnosed me with Diminished Ovarian Reserve & told us this was more than likely the cause of why I wasn't getting pregnant. We are able to create good-looking embryos but they all seem to be chromosomally abnormal based on them not surviving. Basically, it means that I have old/crappy quality eggs & with this diagnosis I might never be able to have children. I just couldn't believe that this was happening to us.
At this visit, she also decided to do a Recurrent Pregnancy Loss workup which involves taking 16 vials of blood & testing for auto-immune & clotting disorders along with a thyroid workup. Why I didn't get tested for all this before is beyond me but whatever. I ended up having no detectable auto-immune disorders, my thyroid was normal but I tested slightly abnormal for a clotting factor. She assured me it was "borderline" but would be sure to put me on a blood thinner called Lovenox next cycle just to be on the safe side. This can be a troublesome thing to have because without blood thinners, the blood flow to the fetus will clot off causing a miscarriage so it's kind of important to know you have it before you get pregnant.
2 months later & we do our first frozen embryo transfer of 2 embryos. I was put on the Lovenox & baby aspirin daily & felt optimistic about this cycle. It did result in a positive pregnancy test however, I went on to miscarry 2 weeks later.
Two months later we transferred our last 2 frozen embryos which also resulted in a positive pregnancy. Everything was going well in the pregnancy, but at our 9 week ultrasound it was discovered there was no heartbeat so I was scheduled for yet another D&C. Again were devastated. All that money spent & nothing to show for it. We were at a loss. I had become numb to the pain as this just kept happening over & over for us. I had pretty much lost all hope.
At this point, we were mentally broken & out of money. We had to face the fact that we were never going to have a biological child of our own. I blamed myself & felt like a failure. I felt like I was broken & defective. Support from my husband, my sister & my closest friends helped me get through these tough times. Comfort was also found in some surprising places like infertility discussion boards & a few close friends had stepped forward to let me know they too were going through the same thing. I soon realized that I was not alone in this journey.
To help sort my feelings & thoughts, I had also started an infertility blog that I kept private from my family & close friends which really helped me work through the ups & downs of this entire journey. Only a select few knew about this blog along with the girls on the infertility forum & they always offered their support through our entire journey. It really helped writing about my experience & it turned my “poor me” attitude into something more reflective & positive. What started off as a private journal for myself is now followed by 70+ other girls & has gotten over 62,000+ views. I have made many "cyber" girlfriends just from my blog & the comments they have left behind offering support was always comforting. I truly feel a closeness to them as we are/were going through the same struggles.
I have thought about posting my If blog in the future so those that are interested can read about our long journey & understand it better. It may even help those of you who are going through infertility yourself & may be a good resource. If you have any questions you’d like to ask me privately, please feel free to email me & I’ll be more than happy to answer anything I can. Please keep in mind though that this is OUR story & I am not a medical expert by any means. I am only sharing MY thoughts & opinions - no one else’s. What I believe may not be what you believe & what worked for me may not work for someone else so please respect that.
After our last loss, we sat down & went over all our options that were left of one day becoming parents. Would we continue down the IVF road? Would we try eggs from a donor? Would we adopt? Or would we just give up & live our lives without children? Would we be ok with whatever decision we made? That was the million dollar question.
So why share all this now you ask?! Well, it has something to do with the fact that I just turned 40 (wow - hard to believe) & that was where we always said we were going to draw the line at being done with trying to have a baby. It also has to do with all the questions I have been asked throughout the years by family & friends if I was ever going to share what’s been going on with us & explain why we have no children as of yet.
I’ve always said from day one of starting this journey that I will only share our story with others if we decide to come to a stopping point in this journey OR if it ends up being a "success" story.
Well, we are at one of those two points & that my friends is why I am posting this today.
to be continued...
6 comments:
Miss Heather, I know how hard this was for you to put into writing. You are an amazing woman!
Thank you for sharing your story Heather - I'm looking forward to the next instalment x
Love you girl!!!!
Your style is unique compared to other people I have read stuff from.
Thanks for posting when you've got the opportunity, Guess I'll just book mark this blog.
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Your style is unique in comparison to other folks I've read stuff from. Thank you for posting when you have the opportunity, Guess I'll just book
mark this site.
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I tend not to comment, but I looked at some of the comments on this page "Our Journey".
I actually do have some questions for you if you don't mind. Is it just me or does it look like a few of these responses look like they are left by brain dead visitors? :-P And, if you are posting on other online social sites, I'd like
to keep up with you. Could you list of the complete urls
of your shared pages like your twitter feed, Facebook page or linkedin
profile?
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